Ravens, Owls and a nightingale

5. Brother & Bastard

At last... Bengor let out a deep sigh of satisfaction when the door closed behind the minstrel. Of course he was happy that Heliet had been there to help him while away yet another day of boredom, but somehow it had seemed that today the evening would just never come. Today, time had just dragged on and on and on, endlessly. His father was away for a few days, inspecting some outlying villages, so there had been no point in waiting for him to possibly show up, either.

For a few moments the boy sat on his large bed, head cocked, listening. The minstrel's soft leather shoes hardly made any sound on the stone and wood floors, but Bengor was sure that he'd now gone downstairs. Heliet had fetched them dinner from the kitchen, they had shared it, and now he'd taken the things away as he'd retired for the night. Nobody would be coming here any more, not tonight.

Bengor tiptoed to the door and pushed the heavy bolt closed, struggling to make it move. Oh, how he hated his bird-like hands and skinny arms that had hardly any strength! Even Heliet could open and close the bolt with such apparent ease, even though the minstrel was neither very much taller nor heavier than his young master. Not to mention someone like his father, for whom it was hardly more than a flick of a finger. But at least the bolt had been properly greased, so it didn't make too much of a sound. Not that there would have been anybody on the landing outside to hear, but Bengor liked to play it safe.

He nodded in satisfaction to the bolted door, whirled around and went to pull something out from underneath the mattresses in his bed. Then, clutching the clunky brown bundle he padded to the other door, the one that led to the tiny balcony. That one opened with more ease, he pulled it open and coughed as the wind hit his face. North wind, of course... and wet, too. The boy took the two short steps that brought him right next to the iron railing and peered down.

He didn't see anything, but that was just as well. He didn't expect to see a thing, anyway. With fingers that were quickly getting numb in the chill air he unwrapped the bundle, attached two sturdy iron hooks to the horizontal top bar of the railing and threw the rest to the outside. A rope ladder uncoiled itself and then hung snugly against the stone wall of the tower, swaying a little. This was the wall facing outwards from the courtyard and bailey, unbroken by any windows or air holes. Nobody should notice a thing.

Bengor retreated back into the room, closed the door and sat once more on the bed, then changed his mind and huddled instead inside the blanket he'd left on the window seat. From here he could see the faint glimmer of light; the castle was settling down for the night, and most everyone was inside by now. The boy closed his eyes and waited. He hoped he wouldn't have to wait in vain.

Indeed, nobody saw the black shape that a while later emerged from the deeper shadows cast by the walls and towers, approached the almost invisible ladder and grabbed its lower end. After one more surreptitious glance around, it proceeded to climb up, towards the balcony above, with apparent ease. In the darkness the movement would have been very difficult to see, anyway, and if there had been anyone to look up and notice it, they would most probably have just shaken their heads and gone away. In the dark, the eyes tended to play tricks. Besides, nobody could possibly climb up the sheer, vertical walls of the castle anyway.

The dark shape reached the balcony, hung for a moment precariously to the railing, then hoisted itself silently over it. The railing was biting cold and slippery, but the black leather gloves with the fingertips cut off were good against that. Droplets were whisking down from the heavy clouds rolling overhead, and the figure pulled its hood deeper as it slid closer to the door to listen. Then, very cautiously, it rapped its knuckles on the door.

It didn't take many seconds before the door creaked a little and a head peered carefully out, then disappeared back inside. The shape stepped to the door and vanished as well.

"Karos!" Bengor threw himself against the tall young man and wrapped both arms around his waist. "Oh, I'm so happy to see you again!"

He buried his face into the blackish green cloth of Karos' vest and closed his eyes, breathed deeply in the scents. It smelled of animals, outside air, food, sweat, herbs, manure... of too many things he didn't even recognize because he had no idea what they could be. The smell made images whirl around inside his head, only vague ones though, because so many of the things Out There were something he'd only heard about, not seen or felt or smelled himself. Strong arms came around him and hugged him even closer, the buckle of Karos' broad belt pressed against his ribs but he didn't care. Karos was here.

"I've missed you!" Bengor beamed up, smiling so broadly that he felt like his cheeks would crack. "Come on, take off that wet cloak and sit down with me... I'm sorry that I didn't manage to put aside anything much for you, Heliet was here with me the whole evening."

"Oh, don't you worry about me!" Karos ruffled the boy's hair, his gloves were wet and the brown hair began to curl with moisture where they touched it. He swung off his cloak and tossed it to hang by the handle of the balcony door. "I'm not starving in this castle, and you know that."

"Still. I want you to have something good," Bengor insisted and picked a couple of small pastries from a plate by the fireplace. "Here, these are for you. I told Heliet that I'd eat them later on."

"No, no, you eat them!" Karos waved a hand as he sat down on the cushions, but Bengor simply pushed one into his mouth. "Mmh... Bengor, really, you should eat these yourself."

"I can't. I've had enough," Bengor said decisively. "I was hoping you'd come tonight. I've missed you, you know."

"Bengor, it's only been two days!" Karos smiled, munching a pastry and shaking his head. "How do you feel, baby brother?"

"Better." The boy nodded to emphasize his words. "I've done as you told me to, and I feel a lot better already."

Karos looked at him closely and pulled off his gloves, touched Bengor's cheek with a big cold hand. "Well, you look a bit better to me. But you remember what I told you, right? Don't take any more than one spoonful a day. Not a drop more. And never without some food to go with it."

"I remember, I remember!" Bengor huffed impatiently. "I'm not a baby, Karos!"

"Don't I know that." Karos sighed and pinched the boy's cheek, eliciting a little yelp of indignation. "You're not a little boy any more, but I can't help worrying. Do you remember what else I told you?"

"That I mustn't tell anyone I'm feeling better, yes yes yes, I do remember that too."

Bengor tried to be hurt a little longer but his delight got the better of him. He shuffled on his knees closer to Karos and sank his fingers into the matted black curls, clenched his fist and shook playfully. "Ooh, I'm so happy that you are here, anyway! Even though you do sometimes treat me like a baby, really."

Karos grimaced and grabbed the boy close. Bengor held his breath as his brother just sat there, arms around him, breathing hard, not saying a word. Karos' hair smelled of rain. Why didn't Karos say anything?

"What are you thinking about?" he asked and felt the man start slightly.

"I was thinking that it'll soon be summer again," Karos mumbled into Bengor's shirt. "And then you'll get better once more."

Bengor's heart clenched inside him. It hurt.

"I hope," he said in a small voice. He'd wanted it to come out more confidently, but his throat didn't want to do what he wanted; it felt too tight, almost too tight to breathe. That black pit looming all the time somewhere behind him, just outside his range of vision unless he turned his head too quickly, he could almost see it again. He didn't want to see it, but he knew that it was there, right there. Bengor squeezed his tingling eyes closed. He was afraid to open them, because he had a feeling that he just might catch a glimpse of the awaiting void.

His arms tightened convulsively around Karos' head, pressed it hard against his chest. "I hope I'll see next summer."

Bengor had to gasp at the ferocity of the hug.

"Don't you say things like that!" Karos' voice was rough, muffled by cloth, his breathing hot. "You'll get better, Bengor, I promise you will! Just you wait a little and you'll see the birds again, the sparrows and swallows will make their nests in the towers – maybe there'll be a swallow's nest on your balcony, just like last summer? The trees and fields will be green, and the gulls will be fishing by the river, and –"

"I would so much like to really see it all one day..." Bengor felt a tear rolling down his cheek, hot and shameful, it disappeared into Karos' black curls and he sniffled. He should've wiped his face, but he didn't want to let go of his brother who was so big and strong and safe, like a rock; or actually not, not a rock but something warmer, much warmer. "I'd want to go out with you, to see and do things and touch things, like you do, like everybody else does. But that's all just wishful thinking, I know it."

"No it's not."

Karos pulled back just enough to cup the boy's face with tender hands, so that he could look Bengor in the eye. "It's not just wishful thinking. You'll get better, little brother. And one day I'll take you outside with me, and you'll see it all. I promise. I swear it."

Bengor gave him a watery smile, then blinked and bit his lip in mortification when Karos began to wipe the tears from his face. Suddenly he was painfully aware of his wet cheeks and quivering lips, tried to wring himself loose but failed. "I'm weeping like a baby... stop that, will you!"

"Nothing to be ashamed of, Bengor." Karos dried the boy's face and kissed him on the cheek. "There's no shame in being afraid. I know I would be, in your shoes. I bet I wouldn't be half as brave and patient as you are."

"Oh no you wouldn't!" Bengor mock-punched the man. "You're so brave, you'd be far braver than I ever could be!"

Karos shook his head. "I'll tell you a secret... I'm only brave when I'm dealing with things I can do something about. When I can go and do something, I'm fine. But things that are beyond my control – those are things I'm very much afraid of."

"Bah. You're just trying to make me feel better. But I love you anyway." The boy sat down and crawled closer, burrowed in his brother's arms. Then he giggled. "Couldn't you ask the Wizard to cast a spell on you and turn you into a horse? So that you could take me out for a ride across the fields, or in the forest!"

Karos laughed quietly, shoulders shaking, and the boy pressed an ear against his chest to better hear the rumble. "But if I'm a horse, I cannot climb up here to see you. Hooves aren't much good on a ladder."

"But what about if he made the spell so that you could be a horse only when you want to?" A mischievous glint was finding its way back into Bengor's eyes. "How about that?"

Karos sighed.

"Not even the Wizard can do such things, I'm afraid," he said. "Not that it wouldn't be a lot of fun, though. I could be your horse, your Noriet, and I'd never ever let you fall down. Or – what if I were Noriet the dog? A big black dog, always close by? Then I could growl and snap my teeth at anyone who ever tried to harm you."

"Who'd want to harm me?" Bengor chuckled breathlessly and coughed. "Why should anybody try to harm me, anyway? I'm poorly enough as it is."

"Mmmm..." Karos kissed the boy's hair. "But you'll get better. You will."

"Karos?"

"Yeah?"

"Why mustn't I tell anyone that I'm feeling better? Couldn't I at least tell father?"

"Bengor... we just think that right now it would be best not to let anyone know. Not even father."

"But why?" The boy twisted around enough to see his brother's face. "What is it that you're not telling me?"

Karos bit his lip, dark eyes thoughtful. "I'm not telling it to you because – because I'm not sure if we're right, the Wizard and me. We suspect there's something going on, but we have nothing to prove it by. And until we know, it's best if nobody knows that you know."

"I still don't understand. Why mustn't I be feeling better?" Bengor demanded. "What harm would that cause? It's father who's in danger anyway, he's the Lord!"

"And you're the Ranea," Karos reminded him. "It might suit somebody's plans very well that you are sickly, and that your father will have no heir if something bad happens to you. That way they need not worry about you. Therefore, to protect you, it's best that you continue being sickly. You get it?"

The boy's eyes widened into the size of plates. "You mean – you mean that if they find out I'm not so sick any more, they might try to do something to me? Is that it?"

"That's exactly what I mean." Karos' mouth pressed into a grim line. "I want to keep you safe, the Wizard wants to keep you safe, and your father wants to keep you safe. That's already three of us, and we want it very much. So, just to make sure, don't breathe a word about this to anybody. Mind you, I'm not accusing anybody in particular. It's just that telling one person means you'll have to say things aloud – and that's when someone else may overhear it."

Bengor nodded and sank back to rest against his brother. He felt a little pang of guilt as he remembered that he'd actually broken that promise already. Or, well, not exactly. But he had let it slip to Heliet that he drank something prescribed by the Wizard, and not only that, he'd even told about his half-brother's visits to the minstrel. However, there had been absolutely nobody else in the room at the time, and they'd spoken very quietly. No one could possibly have overheard them, and Heliet wouldn't tell anyone after swearing so solemnly to secrecy! So, even if Bengor had not done exactly as Karos had asked him to do, he didn't need to worry. The secret was safe all right.

"I understand," he said. "I'll do my best."

"You look healthier, though," Karos mumbled. "Your face has got more color."

"Can't do anything about that," Bengor protested. "And I have more appetite, too. But I usually eat with Heliet, so I can slip things to him too. I'm sure he cannot tell if I'm actually eating more or not."

"That's good. You keep on playacting like the good boy you are!" Karos laughed again and swayed them both left and right so that the younger boy squeaked. "Hush, baby brother, quiet."

"You stop treating me like a baby and I stop whining!" Bengor laughed, pulling those long arms tighter around himself.

"How can I stop treating you like a baby when you squeal like one?" Karos retorted, and the boy could hear his broad grin. "No, no, it has to go the other way round..."

"Don't you dare tickle me, or I'll bite you!" Bengor threatened breathlessly when he realized that Karos' fingers were in fact resting lightly on his side, less than an inch from his tickliest spot. "And I'll bite hard!"

"No tickling," Karos promised, cheek pressing against the boy's. "I don't want any extra bites, thank you very much."

"Have they pecked you again? Show me!"

The boy pulled his brother's hands into his own and examined them. "Owww," he breathed when he saw a fresh cut on the middle finger of the left hand. "That must've hurt!"

"It did. My own fault, I was too slow in handing out the treats." Karos wiggled his fingers a little. "Shouldn't have stopped to think where to toss the next one."

"Which one was it? Not the Giant?" Bengor asked excitedly; he knew each one of the regular visitors by name even though he'd only caught fleeting glimpses of them from a distance. Karos shook his head.

"Oh no, I probably wouldn't have half of my finger left if it had been him. No, it was Sweetheart."

"Naughty Sweetheart! Has the Wizard seen this?" The boy studied the injured finger, frowning in concern.

"Not yet, I just got it tonight. But don't you worry, I'll go to him from here and he'll put some herbs into it."

"You must take good care of yourself, Noriet," Bengor said gravely. "If your hand gets very sore, then you won't be able to climb up here. And then I'd be awfully sad."

"I wouldn't want that," Karos muttered into the boy's hair. "But it's just a little cut, no worries. Besides, I'd still be coming to see you, even if I really did grow hooves or paws one of these days."

Bengor laughed, then yawned. "Damn. I don't want to fall asleep yet."

"Maybe I should go now, so that you can sleep?" Karos instantly sounded concerned, but the younger boy clutched his arms tighter.

"No, please don't go! I want you to stay here a while, please, Karos!"

"All right..."

Karos nearly dozed off himself as he sat there in front of the fireplace, just basking in the glow and listening to the steady breathing of the boy in his arms; Bengor had gone out like a candle. He closed his eyes for a moment, then woke up with a start when his body began to relax so that his head nodded. No, falling asleep here was totally out of the question! He scrambled on his feet, gathered a momentarily awake but very drowsy young Ranea in his arms and carried the boy to the bed.

Bengor woke up slightly more when a tiny cold breeze swept against his cheek, blinked and yawned. So Karos had gone? Yes, he was alone, and his brother had even undressed him enough to make his sleep more comfortable. But that meant that he needed to put on some more clothes, for he still had one task left... He forced himself out of bed and onto the balcony, carefully collected the now wet and heavy rope ladder back into a bundle and, staggering to bear its weight, shoved it underneath his bed. It was indeed wet... and that would be a problem. Well, it had to wait there until the next night when he could spread it out to dry, now he could only hope that it wouldn't smell enough to alert anyone.

He was almost asleep once more when a thought jerked him back. He hadn't taken his medicine yet! Quickly he padded to the shelf, opened a small bottle and mixed a spoonful of dark, thick extract with some water. So the water wasn't hot any more, but that didn't matter, he could drink it anyway. And some dry biscuits from the bowl that always was there, they would serve as the 'food' with which Karos had warned him to always take it.

Bengor pulled off his shoes and crawled under the thick covers of his bed. His head was now definitely buzzing with fatigue, and his mouth and throat felt like they'd just been bathed with something sweet and warm. It felt good.