Dayn armallah

14. Memories

The next few days in the village were tense and awkward as everyone struggled to deal with the new situation, one way or another.

One obvious source of discomfort was the relationship between prince Merilion and Golden Deer. Or rather, their relationship itself was not the problem, but the fact that everyone now knew exactly its nature. The villagers would have much preferred not to know a thing, but there was no undoing what had happened – the facts had been shoved into their face in a way that couldn't be ignored. The bright side of the matter was, though, that there was no need for Merilion and Golden Deer to behave any differently. Nobody outside their immediate circle had noticed a thing anyway, so there was no need to try and hide something.

So the people were uncomfortable, but to my great relief nobody showed signs of obvious rejection. They still nodded their greetings in the morning, came eagerly to welcome the hunters back in the evenings, and praised the more noteworthy catches as happily as ever. In fact some of the men even seemed to go somewhat out of their way to show taciturn support, and I couldn't help wondering whether they truly didn't mind or whether they were just doing their best to make sure that the two men would stay in the village. This way or that, I didn't much care because the end result was what mattered to me.

It chilled me to notice, however, that there seemed to be a more general taking of sides going on: there had always been a rift between the villagers on one hand, the King and priestesses on the other. Merilion had been standing on the villagers' side all this while without outright saying it, but now it had been brought into the open. It was him against the King, and whether or not the people really approved of him in some ways, they knew where their future lay and therefore backed Merilion. Out of deep-rooted respect they still continued to look after the welfare of the small elite group, but their resentment was making itself known. The situation wasn't really improved by the priestesses' superior, almost downright hostile attitude towards those who had thus 'betrayed' their King. I couldn't help wondering how long this could go on any more, and what would finally happen?

Alaish was probably the happiest about the whole situation. He was almost belligerently supportive of his father, and there's no denying that he was supremely good company: always bright and good-humored, chatty, smiling, helpful. He'd decided to stay close and thus he spent most of his time helping me with the daily chores, carrying things, scurrying from one place to the next. He also seemed to bring the best out of this father, whom the incident had – not surprisingly – left tense and brooding. If I had sometimes doubted whether the prince really loved his son, I didn't doubt any more when I saw him smile at Alaish's blabbering.

Yet no matter how much Alaish and his father cared for each other, there was no denying that the constant presence of two extra people put a severe strain on Merilion and Golden Deer. During the days they were busy roaming the forests – and roam they did, as evidenced by the catches with which they regularly returned. During the nights they were no more alone. In the same cabin, well within earshot, were two people: me and Alaish, curled side by side on our bed. Alaish was quick to wake up but just as quick to fall asleep again, whereas I found resting far more difficult. I was terribly aware of the men just across the cabin; I heard their every movement, every sigh and rustle of beddings. I knew that they were equally aware of us. Sleeping with others was the rule in Forester villages, of course, but as far as I knew, Golden Deer had been living on his own. And Merilion – well, he'd been the First Prince and had had a huge, luxurious apartment in the Temple all for himself. No wonder if he should feel uncomfortable about getting intimate with Golden Deer while me and his son were just a few steps away.

A few nights after I and Alaish had moved to live in the same cabin, the living warmth so impossibly close, naked and wanting, just got too much for them. I could only squeeze my eyes shut and bite my lip as I listened to their harsh panting and muffled groans, hand clamped so tight around my own aching cock that I saw stars. Alaish was sleeping behind my back, so still in deep sleep that it really should've made me suspicious if I hadn't needed all my energy to keep my hips from jerking to the touch. As it was, it was all I could do to stop myself from moaning aloud.

All of a sudden Alaish turned and yawned loudly stretching his arms. We all froze into stone, but he just sat noisily up and nudged my shoulder.

"Tarisha, wake up!" he said. "It's morning. We must get going!"

I swallowed hard a couple of times and let go of myself as if burned, feeling to my simultaneous frustration and relief how my member went limp from sheer shock. "Going where?" I managed.

"Silly – to make a fire and get water!" Alaish hissed. "Come on, get up, lazybones!"

He was already pulling clothes on as I scrambled up and hastened to follow him. Only when I straightened my back outside the cabin and pushed the door closed behind me did the truth register: dawn was barely breaking. It was way earlier than our usual time to get up. I turned to glare at the boy but he had picked up two buckets and shoved one into my hands.

"Come, we'll get water from the brook."

"Alaish!" I had to take a few running steps to catch up with the youngster who had clearly gone crazy all of a sudden. "What on earth are you doing? This is no time to go to the brook!"

"Yes it is." He turned to look at me with such determination that my jaw dropped. "And we go now."

"But – " I was going to stand my ground but his fingers closed around the wrist of my free hand, hard and insistent.

"No buts, Tarisha. Don't you understand? Father and Golden Deer need to be alone for a while! We must stay out of their way now."

I gaped. Had I really been stupid enough to believe that those squirrel eyes wouldn't see the signs? Or that his brain wouldn't make the connection? Trust Alaish to notice the smallest thing about his beloved father, and to act upon his observations in his own straightforward way.

So I just nodded and meekly followed him to the brook through the morning dusk. Obediently I carried water, cleared the surroundings of the cooking pit, cleaned the bowls once more, made a fire, and generally did anything and everything in an effort not to think about what was likely happening inside the cabin.

While we listened to the village waking up around us and waited for the two men to appear, my astonishment began to give way to embarrassment. All right, so Alaish had wanted to show his approval of his father's relationship with Golden Deer – but maybe it could've been done in some less clumsy and obvious way? And yet, the boy had hit the nail on the head; there was no denying that the gesture, however artless, had been gratefully received. Merilion and Golden Deer were conspicuously relaxed and mellow when they finally emerged from the cabin, making Alaish look more than a little smug and self-satisfied.

That was just as well with me; I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts to be in the mood for chatting. So Alaish had been right, we needed to give them some space – but winter would soon be upon us. It was probably only a matter of days before the first snow would fall, and then it would be definitely too dangerous to hang outside when it was still dark. What would we do then?

That question kept going round and round in my head the whole day, and it still hammered in the back of my mind in the evening as I washed the pots and bowls, staring into the fire. What would we do when winter came? What could we?

I was startled awake by a presence nearby and glanced up. Golden Deer looked appraisingly at me and then sat down.

"Tarisha, I want ask you," he said.

His cautious tone surprised me. "Yes, Golden Deer? What do you want to ask?"

"I want to know," he said carefully. "What is wrong with King? Why angry? They speak, many days ago, they say 'Dayn Armallah', and they speak about me. I not understand."

I just stared at the man. Of course I had noticed that he'd clearly been on his toes ever since the encounter, watchful and aloof, but somehow I hadn't been able to associate his behavior with confusion. Only now did it occur to me that he and Merilion had indeed been unusually silent in the evenings, even though they'd been talking so much earlier. Golden Deer hadn't been able to follow what was going on that night, and afterwards we had all been far too wound up to really talk about it. He was a hunter, a man who knew when to act and when to wait, and he had obviously opted to bide his time – until now.

I hadn't really thought about his position at all, but now it struck me as odd that he should ask me. Hadn't Merilion explained anything to him? And why did he ask me? Why now? Had something happened in the forest that day – or had our display of approval and consideration given him the encouragement he'd needed to take the matter up?

Intense brown eyes bored into me. "Haven't you asked the prince?" I blurted.

Golden Deer shook his head, full lips pressing into a tight line. "Merilion not wants talk. I ask but he not says anything. He just gets – uh -"

"Upset? Angry?" I helped, and he nodded.

"Yes. Angry." Golden Deer pressed a fist under his heart.

I sighed. Exactly the way Merilion was probably feeling, I mused: furious, frustrated, and bottling it all inside. As usual. Maybe he didn't want to vent to Golden Deer, or perhaps even the thought of talking about it still made him seethe. And yet, to explain anything to his Forester partner he'd need all the patience he could summon – the situation was highly complicated, and it would be doubly so to describe it to a man who'd been learning our language only since the previous spring. But that Merilion hadn't even tried? Where was he, for that matter – maybe gone to relieve himself, or maybe he was talking to the village men about the storerooms that needed repairs? I instinctively glanced around but didn't spy a trace of him, which was just as well.

I looked again at Golden Deer who looked back at me, waiting. Yes, he had all the patience of a superb hunter, and he was good at reading people. So he had chosen to wait and see, no doubt hoping that time would show whether or not something drastic was about to happen. Now things were falling back into a routine, he was still in the dark, and now he wanted to understand. Apparently the task of telling him then fell on me, not that my scant knowledge of his language would be of much help.

"It's very difficult, Golden Deer," I said after turning this over in my mind for a moment. "And I'm not sure if I can tell it to you."

"You no want?" Golden Deer's eyebrows rose and I quickly shook my head.

"No – I mean, yes, I want to, but I don't know if I can find the words! And I cannot say what he feels, what -"

"What who feels?"

I swallowed again and looked over my shoulder. Of course Merilion had chosen exactly that moment to reappear and was now standing behind us, head slightly tilted and glaring at us. No, to be more precise, he was glaring daggers at me.

"You no tell me, so I ask Tarisha," Golden Deer said calmly. "Why you and King fight. Why King is angry. What he says, what you says, why you not want speak. I want to know."

Merilion's jaw tightened and he turned sharply away. Before he'd taken two steps, Golden Deer had leaped up and grabbed him by the arm. "Merilion!"

The prince stopped and turned, eyes blazing.

"Let go of me," he said in a low voice, but the Forester shook his head.

"No," he replied firmly. "You say it is nothing. It is no nothing! What is all this bad thing?"

Merilion merely scowled at him, but Golden Deer wasn't that easily deterred. He simply stared back, grip not faltering.

"You are like man who is hurt," he said, picking his words carefully. "Like you have this big wound that goes bad. You are angry and no want touch it, it hurts much. But wound like that, you must let bad blood out."

My jaw dropped. He was right – he was absolutely right. The hunter had a hold of his prey and now pushed it into a corner from where it couldn't just run way. Now he waited for a reaction, and so did I.

They just stood there, glaring at each other, and finally Merilion was the first one to look away.

"I don't want to talk about it," he ground out.

"But I want to understand!" Golden Deer growled. "And if you no talk, then Tarisha tells me."

"How would he know?" Merilion spat.

"If you will not tell, then I'll have to try and guess!" I shot back.

The prince's eyes widened – I had never before talked back to him.

"Golden Deer is right, father." Alaish the faithful, the clarion of truth, had of course been dogging the prince's footsteps. "If you haven't told him, then Tarisha and I will tell what we can. Golden Deer is one of us, and has the right to understand what is going on."

Merilion jerked himself free and turned his back, head sinking forward as he hugged both arms around his midsection. I blinked, realizing that I hadn't seen that anguished gesture for a long time, and obviously Golden Deer was not familiar with it at all: he made a surprised sound and tried to grab the prince's shoulder, concern radiating from him.

"Merilion? I hurt your arm?" he inquired but Merilion just shook his head, fingers clawing his right forearm. "Merilion!"

"Alaish, into the cabin. Now." I shoved the boy who nodded and pushed a mostly unresisting Merilion inside and ducked to follow him. "No, Golden Deer, wait. Sit down with me. Please."

The Forester frowned but turned once more towards the fire, all the while glancing over his shoulder at the closing door. I prodded him until he sat down on the bench and turned a pair of nonplussed eyes at me.

"Tell me now," he said. "What is this?"

I took a deep breath, trying to focus only on the tall man next to me, and nodded.

"Have you seen the scar?"

Golden Deer nodded.

"Then listen. I'll try to explain some things to you."

And I began the story, using as simple vocabulary I could, plus all the words of his language I could possibly dredge up, to make him understand at least the basic facts. It was incredibly difficult, for my thoughts kept crawling away and into the cabin, but I forced myself to concentrate on just making myself understood. Golden Deer hung on my lips, attention never wavering. It took a good while of talking, repeating, trying to find different words to say the things I needed to say, but to my great satisfaction I saw comprehension dawning on his face. He frowned, he nodded, he asked me to say something again, asked for the meaning of some words, shook his head. I was relieved, for I hadn't been at all sure whether I'd be successful in my chosen task.

But he did understand, and was soon desperately searching for words to ask me more. We both struggled as we reached the whole crazy theory concerning the reasons for the demise of Dayn Armallah, I to make things clear, he to wrap his brains around the notion. Finally I had to pause for breath and he slowly shook his head.

"No, I no understand," he said. "Dayn Armallah not burned because people in city. No."

He hit his thigh with a fist, shook his head again. "No, no! It is all wrong! We no want burn Dayn Armallah. We want go live in Dayn Armallah. It is Ghannerr. They start kill and burn."

"Ghannerr?" I repeated, and the mere word seemed to fuel his rage even further.

"Ghannerr," Golden Deer all but spat, jumping on his feet again. His fists clenched, his eyes struck flame, and suddenly I was honestly afraid of him. "Ghannerr, they make all go wrong..."

He lapsed into a growled soliloquy in his own harsh, rolling language, words falling over each other like small stones sliding down a rocky slope. I stared at him, fascinated and frightened at the same time, not sure if I ought to interrupt him or not. After a moment he shook his head violently and turned to look at me once more, chest heaving.

"Golden Deer?" I ventured in a small voice. "Maybe you should tell Merilion what happened, back in Dayn Armallah? What the Ghannerr did?"

"Yes." Golden Deer nodded firmly. "Tell me, Tarisha. One thing. Why his arm hurt? I hurt it, yes?"

"No," I said. "He hurt it when Dayn Armallah died. When he remembers what happened, it still hurts him."

His eyes softened and he turned towards the cabin. "We go in," he said. "Must help."

This time I didn't try to stop him as he pushed the door open and vanished. Instead, I lit a small torch and followed him, and a quick flash of satisfaction washed over me when I felt the warm air inside; I had burned some wood in the stove earlier in the evening, and now everything inside smelled dry and cozy.

Merilion sat on the bed, right arm cradled close, swaying a little like in the clutches of unbearable pain. Alaish was sitting next to his father, slim arms gingerly around the man, tears in his eyes. I felt a tremendous urge to scream as I saw how the prince's fingers dug into cloth and flesh, and I could hear Golden Deer's shocked gasp.

"Merilion?" he demanded tersely. "Say something!"

I crawled cautiously closer. Only now I fully realized that he wasn't merely upset by what the King had said. This was something deeper, just as Golden Deer had said, a wound that had been festering all these years and driving him crazy. The King had only poked at the poorly healed scar, making it flare up again. And now, at last, Merilion couldn't take it any more.

"My lord," I tried. "It's all right. Everything is all right."

"No." Merilion's voice was hollow, devoid of all feeling. "Nothing is all right. He was right, it was my fault. All my fault. How I hated it all, every day of it. My life, the Temple, everything. Every day I prayed that I could be free, free of it all, free of the Goddess. I hated her!" He let out a hollow bark of laughter. "But I was still her favorite son – so she gave to me what I wanted. My freedom. And what was the price? My freedom against everything!"

"No!" Alaish and I spoke at the same time, and the boy shook his head furiously.

"How can you say so?" The prince raised his head and looked at us, eyes dark in an ashen face. "How would you know?"

"But I know," Golden Deer said with conviction. He squatted beside Merilion and simply drew the man into his arms. "It is not you. Ghannerr make all go bad."

Golden Deer's fingers gently pried the prince's clutching hand loose from the scarred arm and pulled it into a firm grip.

"My village," he said, picking each word with great care, "and many other, we see Dayn Armallah. So much nice things, so much gold, so much food. We want live in Dayn Armallah. So we come to one place all and we want go. But Ghannerr know we do this..."

Golden Deer hugged Merilion closer and managed to persuade the prince's arms around his own waist. Merilion had closed his eyes, head resting heavily against Golden Deer's shoulder. Alaish shifted closer to me and his hand sneaked into mine. I squeezed it reassuringly, feeling all but reassured myself and yet holding my breath in anticipation. I wanted to know, too.

Slowly the haltingly told story began to come together. The Foresters, usually living as rather separate villages that maintained constant, if infrequent and rather stilted contact with each other – as I had had the opportunity to witness – had been somehow united by their envy and admiration of the city. United enough to actually come together and plan an invasion. No, their intention had not been to destroy it; on this point Golden Deer was adamant. Why would they want to destroy a place where they wanted to live? For that had been the plan, if it could be called such: to enter Dayn Armallah and settle down there, no doubt by force if necessary, but anyway.

That was when things had got out of hand. The Ghannerr, people whose name made Golden Deer practically growl every time, were not your regular Foresters. They came from further away, from the North if I understood correctly, and every village Golden Deer knew of lived in fear and hatred of their violent and rapacious lot. Their troops would appear every now and then to attack Forester villages, rob their possessions and haul away women and children for slaves. The Ghannerr had got wind of the plan, joined the loose and hardly organized invasion force at some point – when, that Golden Deer wasn't at all sure about – and quickly turned it into a pillaging party.

When the Ghannerr had stormed into the city and started grabbing property and slaves left and right, killing and raping and torching, the frenzy had soon taken over everyone. The other Foresters had seen the fires flaring up all around and the city going up in flames, and everyone had panicked. Their only thought had been to act quickly, to take as much as they could for themselves before it would all be gone for ever...

And even though us city dwellers had hardly been able to defend ourselves effectively, yet not all of the bodies that burned with Dayn Armallah had been those of my people.

"I kill four or five Ghannerr. I see other man from my village kill too." Golden Deer was swallowing hard, struggling to go on, fists clenching. "Then we must go away from Dayn Armallah... must take some things so all not burn."

He roughly brushed his cheek with the back of a hand and squeezed Merilion still a little tighter.

"It is not you," he said hoarsely. "I think all gods go away that day. My gods. Your goddess. All go away. I think Ghannerr gods go away too. They see they can not do anything and they go away. But I know it is not you."

A chill went through me as I listened to Golden Deer's throaty voice. I couldn't help agreeing with him. All the gods turned their backs to Dayn Armallah, Goddess and the Foresters' gods alike. Or maybe it really is as I sometimes thought – that she was too weak against all of them? What does it matter now, anyway? It's all gone, and we are here. Just us.

Golden Deer's hand tenderly rubbed Merilion's back in slow, soothing, circular motions. He snuggled his face closer and planted a slow kiss on the man's neck. I could see the prince's shudder, his arms tightening around the tall Forester, but he didn't say anything. Golden Deer sighed.

"You are tired," he whispered, lips grazing Merilion's ear. "Come. We sleep now."

Alaish had been sitting transfixed next to me, eyes wide as saucers, not uttering as much as a whimper. I swallowed and forced myself to move at last, squeezed his hand a little, felt him start.

"He's right," I said. "We'll go sleep now, it must be awfully late. It'll be another day tomorrow."

Alaish just nodded and crawled to our own bed, and I followed him. I refused to envy Golden Deer, even though my enhanced night vision chose to kick in right then, so that I could see rather too clearly him slowly undressing first Merilion, then himself, and finally them both settling down for the night. No, I would not envy him. Golden Deer was what Merilion needed, I wasn't, and being jealous wouldn't help any. It would just make everything more difficult for me.

And yet my ears were pricked for the slightest sound. I couldn't make out the words, but I heard Golden Deer murmur something to his lover, pulling him closer. Kissing him. Beside me, Alaish snaked his arm around mine and sighed. He was already half asleep and I closed my eyes as well, too exhausted to let my thoughts keep me awake. I slept, and saw once more the outline of the City, illuminated by fire, clouded by smoke. Such a profoundly sad sight; and yet, for some unfathomable reason, it was not a nightmare.