I think I'm spending a lot of time these days just watching him sleep. But I don't think he sleeps any more than usual; rather, I sleep less. For some reason I'm having trouble sleeping. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, or very early in the morning, such as right now. I can see the dawn over the sea through our little cabin window, the sun is about to plunge up from behind the horizon once again.
There's just enough light for me to see him properly. He's on his back, head turned to one side, hair mussed, stubble on his face but only a little of it: on this journey the sea has been smooth enough to let him shave daily, the way he needs to do in order to stay tidy. My hand rises of its own accord to feel it grate against my palm, retreats again before it touches him. I don't want to wake him up.
I feel so warm and secure here, between the paneled wall of the cabin and his relaxed body. No bunk beds here - this is first class, with a double bed. It's way narrower than a standard double and yet would easily accommodate two adult men, even if both were his size, provided that the two are on relatively friendly terms. It sure shows that both the head designers of these ships are exceptionally tall, even for Revnashi; they would appreciate and come to think about such little luxuries even in very limited space. Fordan is stretched to his full length and both his head and feet are still securely on the bed and not hanging outside it. I can't help smiling.
The ship sways, climbs a wave and lurches a bit, I hear the creak of timber and rope and canvas. Always there. We're headed north, towards Bellar, and my head still spins a little as I try to comprehend what's happened.
We're on our way to Deleon. I've left behind the little I had and left with Fordan - again. The way I did years ago, only to drift back. I've fucking gone and let him persuade me to come with him once more, I've given notice to my landlord, sold the few pieces of furniture that belonged to me, packed my scant belongings. Now they're here, in the large trunk fixed in one corner, together with Fordan's things, and it won't be long before we reach Bellar. We're well on our way, even if still have the whole stupendous journey upriver ahead of us.
The weather has been good and the wind favorable, the ship has been barging on almost directly towards its destination port. We've been spending time on the deck, much more in our cabin, and sat at the captain's table at every meal - Fordan and me, his partner, as he's proudly introduced me to the captain and to everyone who's been curious enough to ask. The captain's a sympathetic man of about fifty. Didn't as much as flinch upon hearing the introduction, just shook my hand with a warm smile and always chats amiably with both of us. He makes me feel more at ease, even if I never say much. I bet he thinks I'm either antisocial or don't speak the language well, but that's all right. I don't care which, the main thing is he's not acting hostile towards me.
I wish I was sure about this all, but there are moments when I'm plain afraid. I'm scared of the future, what will happen, how long this will last, what will I do when it ends. I'm fucking scared of the way I feel when I feel Fordan's warmth beside me, when his arms wrap around me tight and he looks into my eyes with that breathless smile. Scared of the day when it will fade. I can't even imagine how much it will hurt when that day comes, and I sure as hell wish these thoughts wouldn't come to haunt me every night when he's asleep and I'm alone to cope with them. But of course they do, when else would they? When those eyes are open and smiling to me, they see when the pain is creeping upon me and he pushes it away.
If only I could be enough for him. Right now I am, but how long after we're in Deleon once more?
Seagulls are screeching to each other as they cruise in the ship's wake. A few times they've flown past so close that I could've almost touched them as we've stood and watched their play in the air. I don't much like being out on the deck; I don't like being stared at. It makes me feel cheap, on display. Fordan doesn't mind it, that I know - he's used to it for so many reasons - but doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable and so we're mostly lounging inside. Just the two of us.
It's insane how I miss him, even now, when I'm here and he's here next to me and our bodies are so close that the warmth whispers like slow waves between us. My elbow touches the arm he's tossed above his head as I lean on my arm and watch him. Our legs are pressed gently together under the blankets. Fordan sighs in his sleep, frowns a little and his lips part slightly.
This goddamn longing is eating me inside, and I just can't help crawling closer, snuggling to him, skin to skin. I let my body do what it pleases and it molds to his every curve and plane, pull his arm lower so that it rests under my neck and rearrange the pillows as well. There's no way he wouldn't wake up while I'm squirming there next to him so of course he does, muscles knot and flex lazily against me and those dark lashes flutter up ever so slightly.
"Nash," he whispers and turns, pulls me close, dozes off once more.
And I'm holding my breath, listening to the weight of the arm around me, looking at the touch of a smile lingering on his lips. Hoping that the fear would stay at bay for another hour or two. Hoping against my better knowledge that I could be what Fordan really wants.
