I can't remember when I would've last been even half as tense and nervous as now. I'm sure that my hands are shaking, and it's not because of the cold even though the wind is particularly biting today.

We're so close, I can see the façade of Haymarket Well. I've already been around here once today, I walked with Fordan to his current workplace and on my way back I made a detour to take a look at where we'd be coming tonight. That was probably a very silly thing to do, because that one look was enough to make me jittery for the better part of the day and yet I knew for certain that there's no way out of this.

Fordan definitely wants me to come with him to this dinner. We haven't really talked about it since last night, he just asked me in the morning if I'd already decided what I'm going to wear, and said that he'd take the deep blue woolen suit. At least he wasn't cross with me this morning, and I'm not going to ask what ticked him off last night.

"Oh, we're here already!" Fordan says as he, too, notices the place. He sounds delighted. "And we're spot on time, too."

I can feel myself shrink as we enter the place and hand our overcoats to an attendant before the head waiter sweeps us under his wings and ushers us inside.

Haymarket Well sure is an impressive place, a large old building lovingly restored to reflect its origin as an old crown's inn right next to one of the city wells. I spot a large table that is set somewhat apart and surrounded by a low wall, and around it some half a dozen men. When they notice us they get up, and I try to swallow the lump that rises to my throat.

Fordan smiles beside me, eyes fixed on the company who step closer to greet us. Like us they are all in dark suits, and that's when I realize that two of them are in face very young, probably not even twenty yet. Surely they cannot be employees?

"Thank you once more for the kind invitation," Fordan says easily as he shakes hands with the oldest of the hosts, a stout man who looks to be in his late forties. "Please let me introduce - this is Nash, my partner."

The man, whom Fordan introduces as his current boss, greets me with surprising ease even though I can see awkwardness in his eyes. He introduces the rest of the company: one head of department and two engineers of Fordan's rank, both men that Fordan obviously has already worked with. Then the director nods towards the youngsters.

"Fordan told us that you're not into technology and construction, and I thought that perhaps these two young men would be able to offer some more interesting conversation," he explains. "Coren here is my younger son, and this is his good friend and classmate Sovior."

"My son," puts in the head of department proudly.

"Very kind of you," I manage and the darker of the two, Coren, shakes my hand. Apparently he's been given the unenviable task of being my principal host. However, I'm rather surprised to realize that for some reason both of the youngsters look more relieved than uncomfortable. Maybe I don't look quite as badly out of place as I thought?

We settle around the table and for a good while nobody needs to go into any special effort to keep up the conversation as we're all studying the list and picking our meals and drinks. This is followed by general small talk about how we've settled in, whether we are satisfied with our lodgings, and that hopefully Gardhann doesn't look altogether too tiny and boring in the eyes of two Deleon-dwellers. I would gladly leave all the talking to Fordan, but he seems determined to keep me included and forces me to participate at least somewhat until the food arrives.

That gives us all an excuse to be mostly silent for a good while, but gradually, inexorably, the discussion between the five gentlemen begins to drift towards increasingly professional topics. At some point I find myself just sitting and watching Fordan. His lips are moving and I guess he's speaking Revnashi because the language sounds familiar enough even though it doesn't make too much sense.

That's when the slightly red-haired Sovior leans a little closer to me and Coren, who sits between us, and confesses under his breath: "I don't understand at all what they're talking about."

I can't help smiling, and at that moment something breaks. A wider grin spreads on Sovior's face, Coren smiles as well and then he takes a deep breath.

"Let's not even try," he says with determination. "To be honest, I'm not even that much interested in construction."

"Me neither," Sovior pipes in. "I know my father would like me to get into the same business –" He instinctively lowers his voice and glances towards the oblivious parent. "But I don't think I will. I'd like to study economics, or something."

"And I guess I'll apply to some Law School."

"So you're still in prep school?" I'm grateful for their invitation to talk about something else, and they both nod.

"That's right, our last year there."

In just a few moments things have indeed changed. The two young men now seem quite happy to be chatting with me, not looking in the least upset even if I don't really talk that much. It's clear that they are good friends; everything from their little jibes to the habit of occasionally correcting and finishing each others' sentences tells of long familiarity.

Oh yes, they agree when I point that out, they've been classmates ever since primary school, and their families only live a few blocks from each other so it's always been natural for them to see each other a lot.

But what about me? They are shyly curious about me, and after a while they've gathered enough courage to start asking questions.

"Do you study something?"

I blink at them. "Study?"

"Yes," Coren nods, "in Deleon University perhaps?"

I open my mouth, not knowing what to say, and then it occurs to me. "How old do you think I am?"

"Twenty-something," Sovior says at once and his friend nods. "Maybe... twenty-two or something like that?"

I'm blushing, cursed be my fair skin and the long-lost tan. It's because of my slim build and height, or rather lack of it, and the blond hair, all that – but damn, I'm flattered. As well as thoroughly embarrassed, because the nasty little voice that's been quiet for such a long time chooses this moment to come back and laugh at me. 'Pretty little whore', it mocks, and that hurts.

But I mustn't be stupid or impolite, mustn't let the boys notice anything, so I just smile and tell them that as flattering as their guess was, it's not even nearly correct. However, they flat out refuse to believe my real age, and finally I have to prod Fordan to catch his attention. He turns to look at me.

"What is it?"

"Fordan, how old am I?"

His jaw drops. "What?"

"You heard me," I say. "Or don't you remember?"

"Of course I remember that your thirtieth birthday was a couple of months ago!" Fordan says. "What quiz is this?"

"No way..." Coren looks stunned. "I honestly thought you're just a few years older than we are."

"Oh!" Fordan's face brightens and he grins at the boys. "Hey, no reason to be mortified, most people tend to assume that Nash is a lot younger than I am. But, incredible as it sounds, we're almost exactly the same age."

I'm relieved when the two don't take very long to get over their astonishment, but of course they then want to know what I'm doing if not studying, and that makes me feel hollow again. What can I tell them - that I do nothing? Should I say that I sleep with Fordan, for isn't that the truth? That's when Fordan joins the conversation again and reveals that he's not yet been completely lost to the world after the previous interruption.

"Nash doesn't go to work, he's helping my parents in their home," he says matter-of-factly. "They're not exactly young any more, and he's a huge comfort to them."

That leaves me breathless for a moment, especially when I see and hear the sympathetic nods and the hum of agreement from the rest of the party. Even my young hosts seem fully satisfied with the explanation and move on to other topics: school, things to do locally, studying, and more. In fact a lot more.

It's completely dark when we say our goodbyes outside the Haymarket Well and then go our separate ways. Fordan matches his steps with mine as we walk side by side.

"I think you had a good time after all?"

"Yes," I say, because it's the truth. "They were very nice, the boys."

Fordan smiles, then looks at me – anxiously? "You were talking about Dirna, did I hear right?"

"Yes. They realized at some point that I'm not Revnashi at all." Warmth licks me inside. "They said they'd never have believed because I speak such perfect Revnashi, though."

"Well, you do." Fordan moves to walk a bit closer to me. "I think they were rather curious about you."

Laughter tickles my throat. "They were. Confessed that they'd been more than a little nervous when their fathers had told them about this, because they didn't know what to expect. It had occurred to them to ask how old you were, but afterwards they'd realized that your age didn't necessarily mean anything – that I could be anything from twenty to sixty."

Fordan laughs as well.

"Clever boys to figure that out," he says approvingly. "And especially clever to be so nice to you. They seemed to like you a lot, in fact. Hmm, should I now be getting jealous?"

"Silly." A surge of longing takes my breath away so that I nearly whisper the word. I would give anything if he could hug me tight right now, but we're in the middle of the street.

A long arm wraps around my shoulders and squeezes. It's just a brief moment and then he's once more walking beside me, pushing hands into the pockets of his coat, but the warmth lingers.

"Am I?" He's smiling, though. "And hey, what was that talk about the weekend?"

"There's this ruined castle, a little bit outside the city, and they offered to take us there if we're at all interested. A handsome place, they said."

"Sounds like fun."

"I thought so, too."

We walk on in silence. The evening keeps playing in my head, snippets of our conversation, flashes of the boys' faces as we talked.

Yes indeed, they were curious about me, about us, although they didn't quite know how and what and how much it would be appropriate to ask. They asked me about Dirna, then about Deleon, and were impressed at how much I have traveled. They wanted to know how on earth I'd ended up in Revnash, when everybody, me included, kept saying what a wonderful place Dirna was. I know that my eyes strayed to Fordan before I had time to answer, and they noticed that glance. 'Oh', they said and looked a little embarrassed, and I confirmed that it had been because of him.

Clearly the relationship between us fascinated them. I'd already been looking for some signs of a more personal interest when they told me that they have a classmate who is 'like me and my friend', as they put it. A classmate who makes a big number of the fact, and quite frankly gets a bit annoying at times, they confessed to me, and then hurried to assure that he basically is a very nice guy nevertheless. But why would he do that, they asked. Why does he sometimes have to be so loud and obnoxious? I remember suggesting to them that maybe he's publicizing it in the hopes of finding someone like him?

Now that I think of it, they got me to talk quite a lot, definitely more than usual. Funny, that. Usually I much prefer being a listener, but I guess this time I didn't have a choice. And yet I have enjoyed the evening, most definitely have. I'm grateful to Fordan for making me come along. To this whole trip, and to the dinner tonight.

"What is it?"

I look up at him, surprised. Is he reading my mind? "What?"

"The way you smiled," Fordan says, "you were thinking of something particularly nice. Won't you tell me as well?"

"I... I'm happy to be here with you."

I hear his laughter, he moves still a little closer and grabs my hand.

"Fordan, what're you doing?"

"Can't you feel?" He's peeled off one of his gloves, as well as one of mine, and now our palms are clasped together, deep in the pocket of his coat. We haven't stopped all the while.

"Silly," I say again but he doesn't let go. Our sleeves rub together. "People will see."

"Let them," Fordan tells me and long, warm fingers squeeze mine. "Why shouldn't they?"

I have to make a conscious effort not to hold my breath as we walk on, so close to each other. It's late, it's quiet, but still we aren't the only ones about. A solitary young man is walking towards us, under the streetlight I see him frown slightly as he spots our joined shadow, and I refuse to look at him when he passes us by.

"See?" Fordan's breath makes a shimmering cloud against the light of the lamp. "Didn't hurt at all."

My hand against his, buried in the raspy warmth of thick woolen fabric. "No."

Pretty little whore, whispers the voice in my ear. I won't listen to it.

"By the way, sorry about yesterday night," Fordan says, slightly breathless.

"It's all right," I mutter.

"It's just that sometimes I'd really want to shake you. The way you always keep putting yourself down, belittling yourself..." His fingers tighten around my hand. "As if you didn't value yourself at all, and it makes me feel so mad and so helpless. I'd so much want to make you see –"

Fordan takes a deep breath, exhales another cloud of mist.

"I wish I could make you see why we love you so much, me and Shanti and Krisch," he goes on in a quiet voice that I can barely hear over the crunching of our steps. "And I know you weren't always like that. Not back then, when you first came over to live with us."

"Fordan –" I begin but he's not finished yet.

" I know it was my fault back then that everything went to hell. I acted like a piece of shit, though I wish you'd have told me so a little bit sooner, instead of letting me go on just the same until it was all too late and you were gone."

This is Gardhann, it's past eleven on a Friday evening, we're walking towards our temporary lodgings. Where the hell did this come from, now, all of a sudden?

We're walking steadily on, my hand clasped in Fordan's, he's looking straight ahead but he's speaking quickly, his words low and urgent.

"Yesterday it just made me feel so fucking horrible, hearing you say it again and thinking that it's probably all my fault. I hurt you so fucking bad back then. I used to think, after you'd gone, that maybe you left because you didn't really love me that much, but I guess that's just wishful thinking – I mean, it'd be so much easier to think that way, instead of knowing that I've hurt anybody that much. Especially you. And I just keep hurting you, all the time."

"Fordan," I try again.

"No, let me," he says, voice hoarse, "I need to say this right now, Nash. I've been thinking about it a lot ever since I met you again. You're with me now, yeah, but can you ever forgive me? I want so much to make you happy... that one day you'd be happy with me. That we'd be happy together. I just don't know if it's possible, and if not, I can only blame myself because it means I destroyed everything back then."

I stop, plant my feet on the ground, and reluctantly he stops as well but doesn't let go of my hand. We're just looking at each other, it's pretty dark here between two streetlights and I can't see his face properly even though I try.

"Where do you get that?" I ask. "Why do you say so? There's nothing to forgive. You've done nothing wrong. It just... happened, that's all."

"No." Fordan shakes his head. "It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been a fool. If I'd done something, many things, differently. I want to make it up to you, somehow, but I need you to tell me how."

"Let's go," I say tugging on his hand. "Come, Fordan. We're not far anymore, we need to get inside, it's cold here. Come on."

I can hear the hiss of his breath as we walk the last few blocks to our apartment. In silence we take off our outdoor clothes but that's as far as his patience lasts. He takes my breath away when he practically carries me to the little living room and into an armchair, then sinks on his knees on the floor in front of me. He's so strong, the arms so tight around my waist, his breath hot on my belly, through the fabric of my shirt.

"I took you for granted, Nash. Krisch and Shanti knew it, they tried to warn me but I didn't get it until much later. I guess it was sometime after Ariss walked out on me, I think he was my third longer-time boyfriend after you, or something. Self-absorbed, that's what I am."

He nuzzles a little closer and my hands rise to cradle his head against me, fingers twining into dark hair.

"Maybe it's the orphanage, I don't know. The way I had to keep fighting so that they wouldn't separate me and Banerr and the twins, it was so damn hard to know that they depended on me. And then when Krisch and Shanti adopted us, it was such a relief, it was like heaven. To know that there was someone I could depend on, to take care of things. That I didn't have to worry, not any more. That I could be myself, do my own things... maybe it was the backlash that made me so selfish."

"You're not selfish," I say. He sighs.

"You, Nash... you're always saying black is white when the black is me. Do you realize it yourself? If we ask you, I just can't do anything wrong, ever. You blame yourself for everything, even when I'm at fault. And yet you don't believe a word I say."

"What do you mean?"

"When I tell you that I love you, you laugh."

"No."

"Yes you do. It's this little laughter that says it. And you never say you love me."

I hold my breath, waiting for the question, but it doesn't come. Instead he raises his head, props a chin on my belly, looks up at me. "What do you want, Nash?"

No words come out but for once he doesn't help me. He just waits.

"I want to be with you," I whisper at last.

Fordan smiles. It's a beautiful smile that lights up his whole face.

"I want to be with you," he says. "I want us to be together. Tomorrow, next month, next year. Fifty years from now. By your side."

"Fordan, stop..."

"No I won't. I'll go on until you believe me. Even if it takes forever."

The arms behind my back pull me up, hands between my shoulder blades rub gently and I press closer to him. His lips touch the side of my neck and glide lower, to the bend, he nibbles on the skin. My eyes close and I just listen, arms tightening around his head, his body between my legs.

Pretty little whore.

No I'm not.

"However long it takes to get you believe," Fordan breathes into my neck, then pulls back a little and our noses touch. He smiles.

"You'll see, Nash."