I hear the sound all right, but it takes a few moments before I register it enough to raise my eyes from the page in front of me and pay some attention. Though I really should've reacted sooner, considering that it's evening, I'm alone in here and someone is definitely trying to open the front door!
I close the book and shake myself properly into the moment once more. No matter how absorbed in the story I have been, I'm still in Fordan's apartment in Deleon, not in Uman a few hundred years ago; it's not late autumn but early spring; and the clock will soon strike seven. And, yes, the door is indeed opening right now and I hear a familiar voice.
"Nash?"
"In here."
He peeks in, worried expression melting into a smile that never fails to make my heart skip a beat.
"Sorry to keep you waiting..." He comes to hug me, coat still on, a folder still in hand. "We had something of a meeting with the boss, and then I dropped in to have a word or two with Krisch and Shanti on my way here."
"It's okay. The food's in the oven."
"Oh, good!" He sniffs the air, gives me another one-armed hug, then turns to go back to the hall. "Is there any wine in the house? I'd love to have a glass with dinner."
"Only a bottle of red," I call after him after a glance at the shelf. "We're having fish, with plenty of onions and mushrooms."
"The red's all right then, I won't be dashing out anymore."
It's been a while now since he last came home from work this late, but I'm still being cautious and not starting with the dinner too early. Now my caution is paying off. Fordan doesn't mind even if he has to wait a little for dinner, whereas today's meal would certainly have minded sitting until now in the oven. Well, it's a good thing I was still enough in this world around the time when it started getting ready, and took it out...
Fordan returns to the kitchen and stops to warm his hands above the stove. Spring may be approaching fast, but the wind is still chilly and it's now nearly two hours past the time he's recently been coming home. I suspect he's taken that alarm clock system into use. I haven't asked. All I know is that he's been coming home rather regularly, and roughly around the time when the office hours usually end, too.
Maybe I ought to follow suit and find new uses for the alarm clock in our bedroom, just to make sure I won't forget about everything else while reading something? That's been known to happen before.
I set the novel on top of the stack of books teetering on the corner of a tabletop and Fordan grins to me.
"I heard you'd been to the library today."
I smile back to him, thinking of the nice, long, leisurely walk to the city library and back in the company of his adorable parents. "Yes, took us most of the day but we had such fun. They were so pleased to have more books to read again."
"And I also heard that you'd walked all the way, instead of taking the streetcar or a cab back!"
"That's right.There was no problem when we just walked slowly enough. Oh yes, did Krisch mention that he'd love to go riding with you one of these days? He was talking about it earlier today."
Fordan shrugs a little, a gesture that for some strange reason puts me on edge, and grabs the bottle of wine to open it. "Yeah, well, I must see about that... So, what did you get? Anything in Revnashi so I could read it too?"
As if he ever had time to read novels.
"Didn't borrow any books in Dorelioni," I say over the thumping of my heart, unable to understand why the anguish is creeping upon me again. "I was reading The Garden of Waters."
I try to locate the oven mittens but Fordan is quicker, he pulls them on and takes off the lid. A cloud of delicious steam belches out and he hums in delight. "Oh oh oh, this looks wonderful and smells even better... Sit down, Nash, you've already got everything on the table, haven't you? Let's eat now!"
His hands are sure as they set the heavy ceramic dish with its contents on the table, and I watch gratefully as he serves dinner for both of us. My own hands tremble slightly, I try to steady them as best I can when he pours some wine and hands the glass to me, eyes so warm and smiling.
"Cheers, love."
"Cheers."
The edges clink together. He sips from his glass, I taste my wine.
Damn, I wish I knew why I'm so weird! Why am I again looking anxiously on while he's taking the first mouthfuls of his dinner? Why am I searching for some signs of doom in his face, his gestures, his eyes? He's just busy, that's all, that's why he's not sure when he can go riding with his father. He's just come from work and is probably pretty tired, probably still preoccupied with whatever they've been talking about, that's why he may sound a bit under the weather. There's no fucking reason to start panicking just because -
"Nash, what's the matter?"
I can only blink at him. Fordan tilts his head.
"Why aren't you eating?"
"Oh." I feel utterly stupid. "I - I was reading just before you came. Guess I'm just still a little out of it."
"No wonder, it's a marvelous book," Fordan agrees with a smile. "But hey, come round a bit, will you? This tastes heavenly and I don't want you to miss out on it, and besides, you don't need to get any skinnier than you already are. Come on, eat!"
He's right, the fish is really tasty. I carefully file the fact away for future use; I haven't tried this recipe before. Fordan's foot touches mine under the table, rubs against my ankle, and he grins a little over his glass as my foot is squeezed softly between his.
"Told you," he says. "It's really good."
After a while the entire meal has been polished off. Fordan picks lazily on the remaining bits of mushrooms with his fork, trying to catch them from the large dish. There's still wine left in the glasses, and my head is buzzing pleasantly. We can hear the rattle of a carriage just round the corner, from the busier street on the other side of the street. Fordan sighs, lifts his glass and leans elbows on the table.
"Nash," he says, "there's something we need to talk about."
It hurts to swallow, but I do my best to meet his eyes. They're expectant, just a shade nervous. "What is it?"
Fordan takes a deep breath. "I know you've only just getting properly settled in here again, but... Well, the boss wanted to talk to me today. About two years ago we had this one construction project that I was heavily involved in, and now our department has been contacted by the City of Gardhann, up in County Laineam. They're about to launch a similar project and are requesting for our help because they've read our report on what we did back then. Basically it's consultation they want."
He pauses, looks at me expectantly. I nod for him to continue, trying to hear the words over the emptiness whistling in my ears.
"The boss asked if I'd be willing to go there and help them out. It'd be at least two months, maybe more, and since it's quite a bit upstream from here it wouldn't be possible to come home for the weekends. That's why he was a bit hesitant to even suggest it to someone with a family and decided to take it up with me first. Besides, I know a great deal about the whole project, and this'd be a nice boost to my career as well!"
"It sounds great," I force out and surprise myself by how normal my voice sounds.
"Yeah, doesn't it!"
His smile widens but that question, that odd uncertainty is still there. Why? I don't know. "So, Nash, I know it's asking a lot, but - we'll be going, won't we? I told the boss I'd give my answer in a few days, and he promised me until the end of this week to make up my mind, but of course it'd be better to... Nash, are you listening to me?"
Oh, I'm listening all right, but I'm not sure if I understood this correctly. My brain has trouble making sense of the words.
You're going away for two months, maybe longer?
In business?
Then why are you talking about 'us'?
Fordan shakes his head and gets up, steps around the table to stand behind my chair.
"Nash, I swear that sometimes you scare me," he murmurs into my ear, arms snaking around me. His cheek rubs into my hair. "Good gods, baby, say something!"
"You can't be serious," is what finally comes out from my mouth. "I have no money to travel. And what would I do there?"
"Damnit, trust me to know exactly how not to be persuasive," he sighs and grabs my wrist. "Let me start again, Nash. C'mon."
I'm pulled on my feet and walked to the living room, onto the sofa, into his arms, in his lap. My head is still buzzing and the long, profound kiss that tastes of wine does nothing to clear it. Fordan hums under his breath and hugs me tighter.
"Okay, how about this: what do you say if we travel to Gardhann roughly for a couple of months, just the two of us?" he says softly. "The catch of it is that I'd be working, and you wouldn't even have Dad and Shanti-Daddy to keep you company. But I'm hoping that you'd say yes anyway."
I can only gape at him and see the desperate expression that creeps onto his face.
"It’d be too expensive," I hurry to say. "Really, don't you think I'd just be a distraction? I could go and live with Krisch and Shanti while you're there, so you wouldn't need to -"
"No." Fordan shakes his head, even though his voice is laced with disappointment. "No, I won't leave you behind."
He takes a deep breath. "Well, that settles it then. I'll tell the boss tomorrow that I won't be able to go and that's that. He'll have to find someone else."
"Wait! No! Didn't you just say that this is important for your career?" I argue. "Of course you'll be going, Fordan. You'll regret it if you don't. I'll be fine here with your fathers, believe me."
"You will?" His embrace tightens. The smile has vanished and his eyes are dark under frowning eyebrows. "You know what I think? That you wouldn't even be here anymore when I come back!"
I know I should now say he's wrong, but I'm not so sure about that myself. Fordan's gaze searches my face for something it doesn't find. He bites his lip.
"Nash," he says quietly. "I'm very excited about this chance, yes, I'm not denying that, but I'm not going if you're not going with me. That's final. Yeah, as I said, I know it's asking a hell of a lot to even suggest it, because I'm afraid you'll be bored to death there, but I was thinking..."
"Fordan, you mustn't say no," I try again. "Your career -"
"Don't you think you mean a hell of a lot more to me than my career?" Fordan hugs me so tight that I gasp for breath. "Fuck it, how many times do I need to say it? That I'm not going to lose you again? Listen. If you're worried about the cost, think again! I'm not sure I'd want to live in a hotel for weeks on end, and it'd be pretty expensive, too -- so they'll probably find me a room in some boarding house, or a little apartment, or something like that. And in any case, even in a hotel a double room usually costs only marginally more than a single room. Right?"
"Right..."
"Okay, then about the journeys. Of course the authorities who invited me would also be covering the cost of my trip there and back. So we'd only be paying for your traveling costs. Get it?"
I nod, and now Fordan smiles a little.
"So you see it wouldn't be that expensive at all. Now, I know that you love my parents and they love you, and you'll miss them a lot, but - please. I don't want to go there all alone and miss you like crazy all the while."
He kisses me, another long, exploring kiss. I can feel his arousal but the hands rubbing my back and shoulders are leisurely and tender, not urgent, not demanding. Their touch soothes, and yet it also promises something more.
"Could you at least think about it?" Fordan whispers. "Damnit, I know myself. If I go on my own, I'll do nothing but work, work, work, and after a while I'll be completely crazy. But if you're there with me, I'll have someone to talk to. We could go out together in the evenings. We'd be together, Nash, you and me! Or would you really rather stay here?"
My fingers answer for me; they clutch his shoulders so hard that he winces, and I bury my face into his neck. How I love the scent of his body. "No."
Fordan laughs under his breath, his relief audible. Did he really think I'd say anything else?
"Think about it," he repeats. "Dad said you'd promised to go there again tomorrow, so talk to them about this. They assured me that of course they'd be just fine even if you're away with me for a while, and that it really is a good idea if we go together."
"Really?"
"Mm-hmm. Talk to them, Nash. I told you, I have until the end of this week to give my answer, and even if I say yes, of course we wouldn't be hopping into a coach right away. First my boss and the people over there need to agree on the terms, and when I'd be coming, where I'd be staying, all that stuff."
I want him so much that I can taste it, and yet the comfort of his warmth, his body against mine, his steady breath, the fingers softly playing with the hairs on my nape, they're making me drowsy. Maybe the food and wine have something to do with it, too. Whatever the reason, my eyes are closing and I just listen to the hypnotic rhythm of his hand on the back of my neck.
"It's not a huge place, I'm afraid." Fordan, too, sounds so relaxed. "But still I hope you'd brave it with me, even if it might get boring. I - goddamnit, Nash, I really ought to be ashamed of myself! I'm such a selfish pig, I know there wouldn't be that much for you to do so it's really wrong to even ask you to come along because you'd probably be bored to death, but I simply don't want to go on my own. A few days would be one thing, but weeks? No fucking way..."
"It's all right," I murmur into his shoulder. "Honestly, Fordan, it's all right."
His lips are warm, nibbling the side of my neck just below the ear so that I gasp. "Okay, you promised to think about it... But, hey, this won't do, at this rate we'll fall asleep here on the sofa and it's not nearly bedtime yet! Do you want tea?"
Fordan insists that I just sit back while he puts some more wood into the stove and puts the kettle on. I do as he wants, and actually it feels very nice to just curl up on the sofa and pull a blanket tighter around my shoulders. I love listening to the humming of fire and the hiss of water about to boil, and watching while Fordan fusses with the teapot. He digs into the cupboards looking for something little to munch, takes out the heavy clay mugs and the honey, grins to me as he sets them on the low table. All of a sudden his shoulders slump and he makes a face.
"Oh fuck. I should still read that one report through."
"The tea can wait," I suggest but Fordan shakes his head.
"No... damnit, I wish I had forgotten it until morning. Now it's going to bother me until I've at least looked at it."
He shuffles to get the folder he's left on the table by the front door and I almost have time to get up from the folds of the blanket before he returns, but not quite. He shakes a finger at me.
"You were in no hurry a while ago, so sit down. Here, wasn't this the one you were reading earlier?"
"I don't want to disturb you," I protest as I take the book from his hands. He groans.
"Disturb... Nash, you'll disturb me a hell of a lot more if you're not here with me! This won't take long, I promise. Will you pour us some tea?"
It doesn't take long before I lose myself once more in the Garden of Waters. A glance at Fordan is enough to tell me that he's equally fascinated by the pages in his hand, never mind that it's mostly just dry facts. I peer at the lines, try to understand but soon give up.
Uncertainty is gnawing my insides, and yet for once when I tell it to go away, it dissolves and vanishes like mist. Fordan's arm is around my shoulders, his fingers absently tugging and toying with the tip of my ponytail. When I sigh and settle more comfortably by his side, I can see the smile in the corner of my eye even before he glances at me and squeezes me tighter.
