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Into the Light

 

 

 

 

7. Turn Me Loose

This is all so very strange. I'm still not too used to waking up and knowing that it's definitely morning. Or actually being glad to be awake. Or not having a pounding headache, or feeling nauseous, or both. Or not craving a handful of cigarettes to kick-start my body. Or -

Ah well. Why reminisce about all that? Because, truth be told, I sure as hell don't miss any of those things.

No, I much prefer these mornings. Stretching for a while in bed, then crawling up and padding barefoot to the balcony of my little suite. Standing there, toes curling on cold stone, wrapping the bathrobe a little tighter around myself, sniffing at the smell of sea carried in the wind. Looking at the swaying treetops in the neighboring park. Listening to seagulls screeching and little birds chattering in the trees. Just being, and feeling pretty goddamn good.

Tim appears while I'm in the bathroom, and helps me get dressed for the day. Smart young Tim... Chaim was so right when he told me I wouldn't need to bring my own valet, that he'd be taking both of his along anyway so I could well borrow them, that besides we'd be staying in hotels. Chaim was right, and I also like Tim far better than the sour-faced creep I've had for years. Efficient he is, but why had I never noticed before how damn unpleasant he's to look at?

I feel so good right now that I can't even really be angry with Chaim for the fact that I'm still being watched. I should be, fucking furious. First he practically kidnaps me to the ends of earth, then puts me under full-time surveillance. Watches me like a hawk; don't stroll too far; not too much wine for Toni, let alone any stronger spirits. I swear he's cut back his own consumption, and I have this sneaking suspicion that it might so that he wouldn't set me a bad example - which is kind of touching, in a way.

And I'll be damned, but it does feel good, somehow, this concern for me. We go everywhere together, me and Chaim and Kim, spend all days together. And when we're having dinner, I notice Chaim's dark eyes, his gaze flickers to check the level of my wine glass and then quickly towards me, and he gives this tiny smile that is at the same time warm and a little shamefaced, because I've caught him in the act of spying. That smile makes me warm, too.

Yet I can't deny that there are moments when I'd really want to swallow one of those enticing little pills and to feel its effects overwhelming me. Just to see what it would feel like, this time, or maybe to remind myself that this sunny peace, this lovely city and its beautiful people are not everything there is...

Oh no, these thoughts are not good. Not good at all. I cross the corridor and barely knock before stepping into the suite that Chaim and Kim share.

The door to the bedroom is closed. I throw myself down into an armchair in the spacey drawing room and sulk. Chaim peers in, smiles at me. He's buttoning up his shirt.

"I thought I heard you come! What do you say, shall we have breakfast here or downstairs?"

"Whatever." Gods, Chaim, could you at least try to look a little less like you've just got properly laid? "You choose."

"Well, let's stay here then. Will you please call room service?" Chaim disappears again, and I do as asked.

This hotel is damn fantastic in more ways than I can count. I've hardly let go of the bellstring when there's a knock on the door and a very smart young attendant steps in, oozing zeal and efficiency. He takes our breakfast order and vanishes, leaving me to resume sulking.

It's a good thing we opted for separate suites, instead of sharing the bigger one with several bedrooms. I don't think I could listen to their lovemaking in the nights, without going crazy...

Woah - wait a minute. 'Lovemaking'? For fuck's sake, where did that come from? It's called sex, screwing, fucking, and love has nothing to do with it. Not a thing.

... or maybe it does, where those two are concerned? But then, what is love and who needs it anyway?

A knock, and the young guy reappears with a laden serving trolley. Chaim and Kim choose the same moment to emerge, groomed and clothed, so there are three of us trying to drool in a civilized fashion while the table is being filled with plates, cups, cutlery, glasses, and numerous deliciously smelling bowls and baskets.

I use the word 'drool' literally. I've rediscovered something from my childhood: a passion for breakfasts. I don't need to force myself into nibbling something just to avoid feeling sick in a moment - no, I'm genuinely hungry in the mornings. So are Chaim and Kim, for that matter, and today they are even more ravenous than usual. I'd very much like to bite their heads off, because I know what it signifies. Fucking bastards...

Which reminds me.

"Any plans for today?" I empty my glass of juice and then shoot an accusing look at Kim who's just poured the last drops into his glass. At least he has the decency to look guilty. "In addition to basking in the afterglow, that is."

Kim flushes bright red, Chaim just arches an eyebrow. "Haven't talked about it yet. Did you have something in mind?"

"In fact yes. I thought I'd release you from the babysitting duties and go to town alone." I look at Chaim challengingly; he shakes his head.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

And it happens. One moment I just want to needle them, the next there's this white rage welling up and flowing over the rims. I clench my teeth so hard my jaw hurts. Fuck it, I want to hurt someone.

"Why not, Chaim sweetheart? Pray tell me, why shouldn't I go anywhere alone? Do you really think that I fucking want to hang around you all the time to watch your smooching and those sickeningly happy faces? You must really enjoy rubbing it in! Or aren't you completely happy unless you have a bloody audience?"

Kim begins to say something, eyes flashing - at least I've managed to anger him - but Chaim just puts his teacup back on the table and looks at me gravely.

"Is that really how you're feeling, Toni?" he asks. "We don't mean to make you feel bad."

"Does it matter?" And I really wish I knew where my good mood went all of a sudden. Poof - just gone. Shit. I feel rotten. "Does it fucking matter? Why can't you just let me be?"

"Because," Chaim says and gets up, and then he's wrapping his arms around me. Kim looks ready to explode. "We care for you, Toni."

"Who's 'we'?" I snort. "Have you perhaps adopted the old royal plural, Your Highness?"

"Will you please drop that, Your Excellency," he retorts. "Toni - I care for you. And the reason why I'm so insistent that you come with us is that I'm afraid for you! It's not babysitting, and it's definitely not because I'd want to make you feel bad. It's just that I'd like us to have fun together, all of us."

"Not to mention that you don't trust me in the least," I remind him. "So you're doing your goddamn best to make sure that by the time you retire to have some more fun with your loverboy, I'm too tired to even seriously consider giving you the slip."

Kim has had enough, he jumps up and stalks to the balcony, lips pressed into a hard line. I wish he'd jump down now that he's at it, but of course he wouldn't be so goddamn obliging.

"What's wrong?" Chaim asks softly. "You haven't been like this for a long while. What's happened, Toni?"

Happened? Oh, if only something had fucking happened... but the fact is, nothing has. Nothing. Not a fucking thing, and it scares me. But I won't tell that to you.

Chaim pulls a chair closer, sits down and embraces me. He's so warm and so familiar, chest against mine, his breath washing softly over my ear. It tickles a little. His thigh presses to mine, one hand rubs slow circles on my back and he murmurs something.

I close my eyes and just listen to myself, my body, my feelings. He's so close, closer than he's been for a long time, and it's exactly as I've been fearing while all the time telling myself that it wouldn't be like this, that things would be right if only Chaim were to hold me.

But it seems that I've been wrong, and that my fears have been right. Nothing happens.

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