Into the Light

19. You're My Best Friend

There are few things that feel as good as a quick, rather cool bath after a five-mile run along the hilly roads on the outskirts of Dirna. Too bad that Rashim is not with me right now. He had to go to work, and going to his place right now would've been too risky. He tends to get distracted so easily, the imp... so we just shared a long, sweaty kiss in a street corner before jogging our separate ways.

Thus I'm all alone in my hotel suite, standing in front of the tall wardrobe and trying not to drip too badly on the floor. I've told Tim that I'll get dressed on my own so he's not here either, and now I have time to decide what I'll wear while waiting that I dry properly.

It's actually rather nice to just let the bathrobe slip off and fall into a heap on the floor, to step over it and let air wash over me. Droplets on my skin feel cool, I rub my hair and just enjoy this feeling. Not that I'd have been shy of my body before - nothing to be ashamed of, there - but this is something I have picked up from Rashim.

He's never in a hurry to put clothes on after bathing or washing, and I'm so used to seeing him wander around the apartment in the buff, or in nothing but underwear or very tiny shorts. Oh, sure he flirts with me, too, but that's not why he does it. It's completely natural, unselfconscious, and I sure have nothing against it. Would I complain when I have such ample opportunities to rest my eyes on such a sight? Pity that the sight itself is nowhere around right now.

I toss the towel on the floor as well and open my eyes. And start, because I suddenly realize I'm not alone after all. I blink a couple of times at the mirror on the door of the wardrobe, then turn around and put hands on my hips. "Honestly, Chaim, don't you have enough to ogle in your own room?"

He's leaning on the doorframe, arms crossed on his chest, staring at me round-eyed. I raise my eyebrows, waiting for an answer, while his gaze examines me from head to foot and back again. As if he'd never seen me nude before?

"I hadn't realized," he says at last. "I mean, of course I've noticed that something's been happening to you, Toni dear, but - but..."

"But what?" I peer into the mirror over my shoulder. I can see my own backside. My legs and arms are pretty tanned, making the buttocks look pale in comparison. Well, no big surprise there, considering that this is Dirna. So what is he staring at?

"You look simply fantastic," Chaim says. "You were so awfully skinny when we came, but just - just look at you now!"

Yeah, that's what I'm doing. It's just a bit difficult to notice what's changed because I see myself every day. But now that I come to think about it, back in Uman I certainly didn't have such visible muscles anywhere. They aren't big, but their outlines are there. Especially in my legs.

Hmm - actually I'm not at all surprised if Chaim is gaping. I'm not that much different from Rashim in build, and now I realize that my body has begun to resemble his in other respects, too. Cool.

"I guess you're right," I tell Chaim. "Daily running, stretching and exercise does have some effect, then."

"It sure does!" He shakes his head, eyes still wide. "You look amazing, Toni."

"Thank you!" I strike a pose. "I feel amazing."

For a moment I toy with the idea of telling him about the only, albeit all the murkier, cloud in my sky, but just as quickly decide against it. Why should I? Granted, he's my best friend, but I just don't want him to feel sorry for me. Maybe some time, but not now. "Where've you put Kim? He wouldn't appreciate it if he knew you're here saying compliments to your stark naked ex-lover."

"I put him to bed," Chaim says and I whistle.

"Tsk tsk - spare the guy a bit!" Shit, me and my glib tongue, but I just couldn't stop myself. Chaim snorts.

"Oh, give me a break! He just still has a headache from yesterday."

"You bad man!" I pick up some clothes and start pulling them on. "You shouldn't let him drink too much. It's not good for him."

"As if he would drink too much, even if I tried to make him!" Chaim sits down. "Obviously it's just that the dark cider doesn't suit him for some reason. This is the second time now."

"Well, then you'd better make sure that Kim and dark cider don't mingle any more," I observe. Yes, those trousers will be comfortable today... but which shirt to pick?

"I think we both believe it now," Chaim agrees. "But in fact, Toni, there's something I've been wanting to talk about with you."

Ahh... now we'll see if my hunch has been correct! "I'm all ears, Chaim."

"Okay." Chaim pulls out his cigarette case and glances at me pleadingly. "Let's go to the balcony - or have you quit smoking except after dinner?"

"I haven't said goodbye to all my vices," I assure him. "Let's go, I'm clothed enough."

Not that it would matter too much even if I were still in the nude; the balconies are designed and positioned in such a way that it's almost impossible to be seen either from the ground or from other balconies unless you're just about hanging over the edge. We sit down and lose ourselves for a moment inside a blue cloud.

"Right. Go ahead and shoot, Chaim, I'm curious."

He nods. "I don't think it's any surprise to you that me and Kim both love this place?"

"Count me in as well." I blow a circle to him. "No surprises as yet."

"We've been saying how great it would be to live here. To stay." Chaim examines his simple silver ring. "And in fact there's nothing to stop us."

I smile. "Precisely what I've been thinking. Though of course there's our apartments, and you've got Fern Valley as well. Won't you miss it at all?"

"Not really," Chaim says quietly. "It's a marvelous place, but it's so full of memories. And I can never make it come alive, the way it deserves. It needs people. I only want Kim and my best friends."

I nod slowly. I do understand him, so well. Everything we've left in Uman is burdened by these loads of memories from our childhood and youth. Many of them are unpleasant, things I for one would rather forget about, and even the more pleasant ones are laced with sadness.

We both are used to being alone, to vast empty rooms, to people wandering through them and seldom meeting. Then, later, to a society where you must have a mask and never let go of it. Hold on tight, and keep up appearances. If you're going to hell, at least you must do it with style, and remember that the ones next to you are all the time waiting for a crack where they could dig their claws and see what's inside you. Malicious, predatory, waiting.

My home didn't prepare me for that, but I was a quick learner. So was Chaim, whose home was positively boisterous when compared to mine. His parents doted on him in their distant way, whereas my father never really got over my mother's death, or the fact that as a kid I looked so much like her.

Uneasiness tinges all my memories of her, the young pretty pride of any society, married to a man old enough to be her father, almost her grandfather. I was way too young to realize why her eyes always seemed to look past me, through me. Only much later I understood that she was perpetually high. I wonder if my father knew that his adored wife was a hopeless addict?

And I don't want to think of them, of her. Especially not her. "So, what're you going to do?"

Chaim looks at me sideways. "I've made inquiries about Galetheann's house, remember?"

Bull's eye, Toni! I wish I could pat myself on the back. "Of course I remember, you idiot! I've suspected all along that you had designs for it."

Chaim flashes a broad smile. "You would, Toni. You know me. The thing is, I'm going to buy it, come hell or high water. Provided, of course, that Kim likes it, once we get to see it."

"What's the 'if' in that?" I ask him. "Just tell him that the two of you will be living there together, and he's fine and dandy with the idea!"

"I think you're right," Chaim chuckles. "Kim is so adaptable."

He crushes the butt of his cigarette and looks at me. "But what about you, Toni?"

"What about me?"

"What're you going to do?"

"Stay." I nod to myself. "There's nothing in Uman that I wouldn't gladly leave behind. Here I've got Rashim, dancing, my friends. Why wouldn't I stay?"

"I'm so happy to hear that!" Chaim leans back in his wicker chair and rakes fingers through his hair. Those bangs have been slightly bleached by the sun, I observe. "And I'm happy for you. You and Rashim, you're so good together. It's wonderful to see."

He smiles to himself and adds, more quietly: "I'm so glad to see you happy."

My throat constricts. Of course I am happy - almost completely, that is... I shake the thought off but Chaim, curse him, is already frowning in concern. "Good gods, Toni, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I mutter. Yeah, right. Clever going, Toni, did you really expect him to buy that? This is Chaim you're talking to.

A large hand closes gently around my forearm. Chaim's deep brown eyes are worried. "What's the matter? Have you quarreled or something?"

"No." Come to think of it, we really haven't. Not a single time. Scary.

"Then what?"

Another cigarette, right now. And fuck it, my hands are shaking so that instead of lighting the cigarette I just manage to mangle it.

"Toni, for heaven's sake, what's the matter?"

My face is in my hands but I can feel the comforting warmth of Chaim's arm as it wraps around my shoulders. I press into it. Suddenly I'm afraid.

"I..." The words don't want to come out. "I can't - I mean, what if he grows tired of me? When I can't even - oh for fuck's sake!" Shit, the table is hard under my fist. "All the pills I've used - now I'm no good without them."

Chaim makes a small, strangled sound. I think he's beginning to understand, even though I can't for the life of me say it.

"But - are you sure these things are connected?" He sounds puzzled. "Shouldn't you go to see a doctor? I mean, I've never heard of such effects..."

"Chaim, oh Chaim..." I shake my head. "You haven't even heard of half the things I've used."

He squeezes me tighter and sighs.

"Has it been so the entire time?"

I can only nod.

"Have you told him why? What does he say?"

"Of course I've explained! I couldn't bloody well not explain!" Chaim, don't act dense...

"What does Rashim say?" he repeats.

"That it doesn't matter." I'm whispering, that's the biggest sound that I can get through my throat right now. "That it'll be all right before long."

Chaim hugs me so that I gasp. "Then stop worrying, Toni," he says. "What you can't do hasn't stopped Rashim from loving you. That makes me very confident that things will turn out right, if you'll just let yourself believe it. You know - it is possible to love you, Toni."

Is it, Chaim? I know Rashim has told me so, despite everything.

Maybe I should finally believe it. And maybe it would be time to really start doing something about it.