Into the Light

35. Thank You

Two hundred. That must be my pulse right now, and it's still a while until the goddamn fucking show even begins. I wonder what it'll be by the time we hear the last bell?

I want a cigarette, but I must stay put right where I am - in this chair, under Rith's expert hands. She's putting the makeup on me, and a good thing too that she's promised to take care of it. My hands are shaking, and I can't understand how the others are able to do it themselves and not make a dreadful mess. Oh, sure, more practice and all that, but still.

They are nervous too, no doubt about that, but at least they're functional! Beny is walking about, tall and dark and impressive in his kingly robes. His eyes and eyebrows fill half of his face, and the black 'beard' makes him look decades older, which is exactly the purpose. Good that he has the whole second act, plus the intermission, to remove it and redo his makeup for his second role as the evil priest.

Everybody else is in costume as well, putting on the finishing touches. Rashim looks fantastic, I see him peer from behind Rith's back. The makeup only exaggerates his high cheeks and slanted eyes, and the hair is pulled into a ponytail on the top of his head. His bare neck looks so delectable... and I mustn't even kiss it, not with this stuff on my face. Mustn't smear anything. Well, fuck. No kisses, no cigs, not even cuddling. How the hell am I actually supposed to hold myself together?

"There!" Rith steps back and looks pleased. "Okay, you may look now."

I've insisted on having my back to the mirror, but now I turn slowly. And start. An unrecognizable thing stares back at me, or not really unrecognizable - it's a cat all right. With enormous green eyes and a white patch on the chin. The rest of my face is black-brown, the catty look completed by some well-placed white lines denoting whiskers and defining whole new shapes out of the blackness. Goddamn it, that looks impressive - and feels strange. The makeup, mask really, is so thick that I can't be very expressive now. Not that I need to be, some wide grimaces are all that's required of me. I try one and am duly startled again; my teeth look strikingly white.

"Mrrrowrrr," Thesh growls and grins at me.

The clock ticks, the buzz of stage fever gets louder, and then the bell chimes. Good gods what a last-moment fuss... Rith is the queen here, she gives a pat here and an encouraging word there, strolls around. My pulse hits two hundred and fifty. Rashim is bouncing a little, up and down, up and down, shaking his arms, keeping warm. Thesh is prancing about, cheeks aflame, eyes shining. I wish I could feel at least some of that enthusiasm, but I'm too busy panicking. Sorry, guys.

And then the music begins, the curtain rises and the first notes of 'Leannoh' fill the theater. The auditorium is packed - the next two performances are three quarters fully booked as well. What a goddamn pity that I'm going to -

"Toni." Rith's hand on my shoulder gives me a proper jolt. "Breathe. You're not on for a good while yet."

She pulls me to the spot where we can see between the props and curtains and onto the stage, to stand there with the others watching and waiting for their turn. I catch a glimpse over her head and am immediately mesmerized - the story is unfolding there, right in front of my eyes. Who cares even if I get a rather weird sideways picture of it? I know just about every step by heart anyway, after sitting through so many rehearsals, on and off stage.

We're at Leannoh's home castle - oh, that happy family! But soon disaster strikes, the King is taken ill, and things begin to look distinctly bleaker. The audience gets to see the first meeting between Leannoh and his bride-to-be, and I'm actually snickering as I watch Aidee. She's literally fluttering, oh so smitten by the handsome prince's obvious interest in her, and if only her role as a dancer permitted it, she'd be squeeing. But no worries, I can in fact hear the audience reacting on her behalf. Her smile reaches from ear to ear when she finally returns once more into the shadow of the props.

And then, just before Rith touches my arm, I hear the passage and my pulse hits three hundred. That is my cue. My turn to show myself for the first time...

I don't drop dead. Somewhere in the distance I can hear the spectators' collective gasp when they catch sight of me, but the main thing is that I survive it. Rith smiles and nods to me, not saying anything.

The second time comes and goes, this time I slink across the entire stage behind the hapless princess, eyes never leaving her. That suits me fine, because that way I don't need to look at the terrifying sea of faces trained my way. I can pretend that they aren't there at all, that they don't exist, that this is just another rehearsal...

Intermission. The buzz continues, but it's different now. Everyone else is practically squirming to get onto the stage once more - I guess I'm the only one who's still truly nervous. Rashim hovers beside me, hugs me, lets go again, grabs my hand and squeezes. He smiles to me and blows a kiss.

"I love you," he breathes. I can only swallow, because I hear again the bell that calls the audience back to their seats. Good gods - not long any more. Not long at all. Soon. Soon it'll be my turn. To go on stage and...

I stand helplessly beside Rith and listen to the music that is inexorably playing on, getting closer and closer to the moment. Oh no. Somebody help me. I can't do this. I just can't.

Rith taps my shoulder and my goddamn stupid feet begin to move - in the wrong direction. My every instinct is screaming at them to get the hell away from here, now, but they just walk towards the stage, step after step. Four. Three. Two. One. The first long, gliding step, the next, and - I'm on the stage.

Rashim - no, Leannoh - tenses when he sees me, the music goes low and monotonic. We circle around each other, slowly, gazes warring, like two shadows about to merge. I bare my teeth to him, his grasp of the staff tightens. The music changes pitch, minutely, he attacks and I swerve it easily. Step, crouch, spin, the music picks up tempo, quick roll over, up and duck, and jump. The motion and rhythm flow through me, overwhelming and furious, and when it all stops...

I collapse onto the floor, hand still clawing Rashim's leg, and I feel the thud as he drops on his knees next to me, head sinking forward, breath coming in harsh gasps. Darkness falls over us. The curtain. The curtain is down.

"Toni," Rashim grabs my arm, pulls me. "Up. Quick!"

I scramble on my feet and follow him on tottery legs to the safety of the props. I don't know how I get there, but once I do there's no problem in staying upright, because at least five people attack me immediately and hug me simultaneously from all sides. Rith is actually weeping, arms around my body. "Toni, oh Toni, you did it! I told you, didn't I? You did it!"

"That was damn good!" Thesh nudges me, not joining the hug because in a minute he'll be going onstage and he's changed clothes. Mustn't get them sweaty yet. "You're awesome!"

Rashim, oh my Rashim, damn it but he has to dash off to change too for his next scene. Rith wraps a huge towel around me, her entire face shining.

"I'm so proud of you, Toni," she repeats and wipes her eyes. "So fucking proud."

I'm in a daze, can't really see much of the rest of the performance. Can't go to remove the makeup yet, because I'll still have to go and bow at the end, and it won't do to go there without the Cat makeup. My head is buzzing, my legs are shaking, Rith pushes me into a chair and tells me in no uncertain terms to drink the warm something she places in my hands. I obediently swallow it, the warmth seeps into me and somehow I'm gradually shaking less.

I did it. That's the only thing I can think of. I did it. Whether good or bad, that doesn't really matter now, though of course I'm glad I didn't let Rith and the others down. But the main thing is that I survived it, I'm still here, I'm alive. I went on the stage and did my part and am still here to tell the story. I did it.

I blink as a tremendous noise, like a huge tidal wave, erupts somewhere. Oh, yes, the audience. The first night of 'Leannoh' is over, and the spectators are applauding. I never realized just what it sounds like over here, backstage - the floor is veritably shaking. Not that it seems to affect the others, there's plenty of slapping on the back and talking to each others' mouths and jubilant hugging. I try to get up but then my legs give in and I just gape, because at that moment I see something so incredible and beautiful in the middle of that melee that I honestly want to cry.

Thesh is kissing Rith. And as far as I understand, Rith is kissing him back. They are hugging each other tight, and I swear there are tongues involved in that kiss. That's not a little boy I see, it's a young man, and he's in love. I blink tears from my eyes, and the vision disappears because Rashim leaps to me and pulls me up.

"Come on, Toni! We must go to thank the audience!"

Fuck it, I'm shaky. But Rashim doesn't let go of my hand as we all walk together to the stage to bow and wave. His fingers clasp mine all the while as I'm swallowing tears and trying to see through them. Oh, I do spot what I'm looking for - Chaim in his by now signature suit of something pale and stylish and Kim in something brilliant and flashy, turquoise-green this time. They are standing in the box, clapping their hands. I manage to blow a kiss to them, then wave my hand, and squeeze Rashim's fingers tighter.

I know I'm crying now and everybody can see it, but who cares? I've made it this far - let everybody see what I feel now as I stand here, blinded by the lights, with my lover and my friends. With the people who have shown me the way into the light.

~ The End ~