Into the Light

14. Oh Look at Me Now

The sun must be pretty high already, I can see the bright red glow through my lids. But I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to be awake. I don't even want to be here... no, that's not true, not really. I very much want to be right here, but not right now. Not like this.

I wish I could just vanish into thin air, cease to exist, like a breath of mist in the wind. And forget everything, feel no longing, no regrets, nothing. Wouldn't that be real bliss? Right now I'm tempted to think so.

But then, am I really sure that I'd want to forget everything? There are lots of things I would rather not remember, and others I do, very much. Such as the live warmth beside me.

I'm not alone in this bed. There's an arm slung across my waist, a forehead resting against my shoulder, hairs tickling my skin, steady breath on my upper arm. I ghost a hand along Rashim's back. Such smooth skin over flat muscle, sleep-warm in the sun washing over us.

I crunch my eyes shut more tightly and swallow. My throat is thick. I want him so goddamn much. I want him more than I've ever wanted anyone - even Chaim. My brain does, that is. But my accursed body... I thank you so very much. Thank you for making me feel so fucking miserable. Am I now proud of myself.

Rashim's arm tightens around me, he shifts and makes a sleepy sound. I wait, holding my breath, hoping that he'd go back to sleep, but he stirs again and sighs. Lips press on my shoulder, he kisses it and then begins to suck and gnaw until I can't hold back a whimper. Immediately the tingling skin is licked softly.

"Toni..." Rashim crawls partly on me and snuggles until I have to open my eyes. His whole face is smiling. "Oh, I feel totally incredible." I get a wet kiss on the nose. "Toni, you're fantastic."

I stare at him, dumbfounded. Fantastic? But why doesn't he look or sound like he was mocking me?

"Why that face?" He's just about purring, voice low and breathless. "Don't look so astonished!" Then he falls serious and hugs me tight. "Sorry... I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you... are you feeling awfully bad?"

His hands creep up to play with my hair, little kisses rain on my face. As if he couldn't get close enough. I can't understand him.

"Toni," he cajoles, "look at me!"

I do. He's frowning, worried, but gives me a tentative smile when I meet his gaze.

"Rashim." I swallow again. I've never been so humiliated, so utterly and completely mortified, as I am now. I should've at least tried to slip away while he was still asleep, I really should have. Now I'm trapped here with this shame, frustrated beyond words. My throat feels too tight to speak, but I'm struggling nevertheless.

"Rashim..." I try again, and then I'm not sure of what exactly I want to say. What can I say? I had to choke out something by way of an explanation, last night, enough to let him know why my body isn't working as it should. "Rashim, I'd really want to. I do want you. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course I do," he says softly. "It's not your fault, Toni. And don't apologize to me - you're the one hurting, not me."

"But..." Mmm, Rashim, we both know you're one hell of a kisser... what was I going to say again? Can't remember.

"So, if you say one more time that you're sorry, I'll get angry!" he mumbles into the kiss.

"But I am!" Can't you just see, Rashim?

"Okay, let me put this in another way," he sighs. "If you apologize to me again, I'll bite you. Understand?"

"No."

"Ooh, now who's stubborn?" Rashim wriggles still a little closer. Well, I think there might've been one or two square inches of skin on the front sides of our bodies that weren't touching yet, but that has now been corrected. "Now listen. Very carefully. To me. Right?"

I nod, mesmerized by his intense eyes. Our noses are touching.

"It's not your fault that it doesn't succeed. You're not doing it on purpose. I think we agree on this?"

I nod again. So far so good. And what wouldn't I give to put things right...

"You're the one suffering from it, not me. You're the one who didn't get to feel good. Or do you think I faked it?"

Uh-huh, Rashim. I know you didn't fake it. I don't even need to close my eyes to see you again the way you were, head thrown back in ecstasy and limbs trembling under my hands, or to taste the silken slickness of your cock on my lips. No, you sure as hell didn't fake it, and I never wanted to please anybody as much as you, last night. And when you climaxed with a shudder, I know I nearly cried because you were so incredibly beautiful, so supple, so strong -

"Good." He nods with a small smile. "So, what this means is just that we have a little problem we need to live with. It's not the end of the world."

I open my mouth to protest, but Rashim chooses to silence me again in the best way he knows. It's such a pleasant way, too.

"I'm not saying that it's nothing, mind you," he goes on before I've recovered enough from a temporary shortage of breath. Seems that he's decided not to let me put a word in edgewise. "But I'm sure that you'll be all right again, with time. And I'm also sure that stressing over it is not going to make things any better!"

It's impossible to keep my hands to myself, with Rashim squirming like that on top of me. He practically drapes around me, kisses me, tongue inviting mine to play. He's growing hard, I feel his erection rubbing against my thigh and the faint answering twitch in my groin.

I snake a hand between us to squeeze Rashim gently, he gasps and pushes greedily against my palm as I caress him. I massage his balls ever so tenderly, he almost sobs when my fingertips touch the incredibly soft skin just behind them, and I'm sure to have little bruises from his teeth but who cares?

His muscles ripple under softly bronzed skin as he struggles up to all fours, giving me free access to his beautifully erect cock. I tug it slowly, let my hands roam along his thighs and into the cleft between firm buttocks, take him firmly in my hands and rub a thumb over the glistening head. Rashim gasps and laughs, breath catching. "Toni... oh fuck, Toni..."

Oh yes, my Rashim, even if I can't do that, at least I know how to make you feel good.

I want to look at him, I want to see him as he comes, and he cries out when I coax him over the edge. He's shaking like a leaf, braced above me on his arms, gulping in air, pumping white streams all over my belly and chest. And still my cock isn't even properly semi-hard, I know it's no use even trying to get it up. Haven't I tried it before? Only to be rewarded with this crushing mixture of emptiness, dissatisfaction and frustration.

I don't want any of that now. I want to think only of Rashim, who right now collapses beside me, rolls on his back and tries to wipe off the biggest mess with a corner of the sheet.

"Oh gods..." he pants and grins to me. I pull him close. My Rashim. What if I can never really have sex with him?

"I definitely call this 'having sex'," Rashim points out, his voice husky.

Oops - thinking aloud again?

"Sure it's not good that you can't enjoy it. But Toni, I simply can't believe that you'd never be able to." He turns again so that he can look at me. "Okay, so you've done some really stupid things back in Uman, but just give yourself some time!"

I can only shake my head desolately. Rashim raises his eyebrows. "Oh, don't you try! You're a young guy - and shut that mouth now, before you put your foot in it! How was it again, you aren't fully five years older than me?"

Strictly speaking that's true, but next to him I feel so horribly old and jaded and worn. And besides... "But I've been doing all that shit for so long! What if I simply can't any more, without those goddamn pills?"

"Toni!" Rashim sits up so suddenly that I start. His eyes are blazing. "If you can't, then you can't, but don't even think about using the same tricks with me! I swear that if you do, I won't as much as look your way again, ever! And that's final!"

"Rashim..." I swallow and wrap my arm around his waist. "I won't, I promise. Never again. Never."

He looks at me and relents, tumbles again on the bed and rolls swiftly to embrace and kiss me, nibbling on my lower lip. Playful once more.

"Make sure you keep that promise." He bites me a little. "Because I want to know that it's really you and not some goddamn pill."

He's simply too good to be true, and I tell him as much. He shakes his head, licks my neck, laughs quietly. "Oh no, Toni, you're mistaken. Badly. And I'll prove it to you."

"How?" I squeeze his enticing, shapely ass. "Are you going to disappear in a puff of smoke, like those fairytale spirits, or what?"

"Oh no!" Rashim grins and wriggles free. "But it's time to get up now."

"Get up? But your rehearsals aren't until the afternoon!" I protest. "And you said you're not working today."

"True, and true." Rashim nods and I almost forget to listen, just watching his gloriously nude body basking in the morning sunlight. "But it's time for the morning jog. Good warm-up for training. Surely you know that I train every morning, whether or not we have rehearsals?"

Of course I know that...

"And since you're here, you're coming along," he elaborates with a grin. "I promise to run very slowly."

He disappears into the bathroom.

I really, really hope that I'll some day be able to perform properly again. Maybe then I'll even manage to occasionally make him forget that incredible self-discipline?

I know - fat chance. But one can always dream.