Here you'll find

 

Traces of Doubt

 

 

 

 

28. Unbalanced

Troy and Salvador let out a deep sigh of relief as they reached the canteen. At least it still was the same familiar, pleasant, peaceful haven as always. Miraculously few buildings within the Plains Base had been seriously damaged during the attack and nothing had been destroyed completely, but the large area was full of debris and required a thorough inspection. That'd been started as soon as the Union forces had retreated the previous morning, and work was still going on. An impressive number of M-clones were busy clearing the place, checking buildings and support structures and whatnot, making wonderful progress 每 but of course it wasn't possible to throw all MCs to the task, as the basic functions of the base still had to be taken care of. However, the entire place was abuzz with activity, and the two young men who entered the canteen hand in hand found the whole situation frankly unnerving.

First the terrifying alarm in the middle of the night had scared both of them out of their wits. That scare had been followed by a frantic dash into the shelter and all those hours spent huddled together in a corner, listening to the eerie sounds, feeling how the ground shook all around them. Neither of them had ever experienced anything like that. Troy knew for sure he hadn't, having lived on a peaceful planet all his life up to now, and if TC-033 had sometimes witnessed action, Salvador had absolutely no recollection of it. So, while the battle had been raging on, Troy had hugged his trembling lover close and blessed the fact that recently they'd both spent a lot of time with Rori and Andr谷, exploring Sal's mental abilities. At least he'd been able to recognize that the near panic hammering inside his head had been partly spillover from Sal, and instead of going along and reinforcing it with his own fear, he'd forced himself to calm down. It had helped, too, a lot.

But there was no overlooking the fact that there had been a battle. Ziroshel Union had attacked the base and shattered their peaceful world. The fear and uncertainty had lingered just around the corner for the whole day and crept a little closer at night. When going to bed, they'd carefully left a full set of clothes close at hand, just in case. Both of them had been startled awake several times by the tiniest sound or motion: the rustling of sheets, a slight change in the nearly inaudible hum of ventilation. Now they both were slightly tired, slightly groggy, slightly afraid of any signs that would indicate further disruptions of the accustomed order.

Luckily everything inside the canteen was exactly as it should 每 or was it? The people seemed somehow livelier, louder, more animated. They talked, gestured, laughed, bristling with a strange, surreal spark. Troy and Sal blinked uncertainly around, not sure if they were imagining it or not.

They decided to share a tray and picked a hearty selection of foods from the racks, then went to look for a table. Troy was carrying the tray, Salvador followed him with their drinks in hand, and when Troy suddenly stopped, the blonde nearly walked into him.

"Hey!" He made a face when a few drops of hot liquid splashed over his fingers but didn't let go. "What's the matter with you?"

Troy steadied the tray, glanced over his shoulder with eyes wide and jerked his head to the left.

"I thought we'd sit down with Hal... but look who he's there with."

Sal frowned a little and peered to the indicated direction. Of course he saw at once Haldor's square form, but it took him a few seconds to notice the crown of another head behind the high back of the sofa. A head that sported a gleaming, pearl-blond ponytail tied up high. Sal followed Troy around the clusters of chairs and tables, and only when they reached their destination did he fully believe his eyes.

The other person at the table was indeed Lancer, of all people, looking completely at ease. That was all very nice and well, of course, except that only a couple of days earlier those two had still been studiously avoiding each other, more likely to leave the room when the other entered than remain inside. The situation had caused so much discomfort for everybody wanting to be friends with both of them that it definitely was a well-known fact within the base. So how was it possible that Haldor and Lancer were now sitting there, side by side, having breakfast? Of course it wasn't possible, except that the world had become unhinged anyway and this sight only served to hammer home the fact. Or perhaps this unexpected phenomenon, yet another in a row of unsettling experiences, was a hallucination?

"Hi," Troy said weakly. "Mind if we join you?"

"Good morning!" Hal smiled to them while Lancer had to make do with an inviting gesture as his mouth was full. "Sit down, kids, sit down."

The two young men slid their tray on the table and sat down with remarkable caution; after all, hallucinations had to be treated carefully. However, the impossible situation felt increasingly real with every passing moment. The scent of food wafted from the plates. A mug thumped as it was lowered on the table. The sofa hissed a little as Lancer shifted, and Troy caught a faint herbal fragrance 每 shampoo? 每 as the ponytail whisked over his other shoulder. Hal shook his head, reached to take another slice of bread from a plate and his hand touched Troy's arm.

Troy just couldn't stop staring at Lancer. He'd barely had time to reach Jainah before the fleet, including the dark-haired S-clone Scott, had left to fight for the rebellion in the Zodiac system. From the moment Troy had first met Lancer, the beautiful blond had been quiet and tensely withdrawn, smiled rarely and shunned most company, getting only more so as time went by. The creature now sitting next to Hal looked familiar, and yet not. The features belonged to Lancer but the aura he emitted was wholly different. Gone were silent despair and resignation. The man oozed an almost frenetic energy, a new fire in his eyes. He looked alive in a way Troy had never seen before.

"You look different, Lancer," Salvador said tentatively after studying the blond for a while, and Troy nodded.

"Yeah, you're 每 bouncy," he agreed. "What's happened?"

"Happened? I don't feel like shit any more, that's what happened!" Lancer flashed a feral little grin, and Troy felt an inexplicable stab of jealousy as Hal glanced at Lancer with a fondly pleased expression on his face. What the hell was that?

"But why?" Troy insisted. "Something nice must've happened since... well, I don't think we saw you yesterday, but 每"

"No you didn't," Hal put in. "And if he's bouncy, that could be because he's not tired any more. At least shouldn't be, after sleeping about twenty-one hours straight."

"No thanks to you, waking me up all the time and making me drink!" Lancer shook a warning finger at Hal who raised his eyebrows in mock indignation.

"Excuse me, but I just did what Monah told me to do, and I only did it whenever you stirred. Besides, you were thirsty every time I did. So stop whining!"

Troy tried to concentrate on his breakfast, but the increasingly bizarre exchange was becoming more dreamlike by the minute and finally he couldn't take it any more.

"I just don't understand you, either of you!" he blurted. "How you 每 everyone 每 can be so... so goddamn sunny! As if nothing had happened!"

"What do you mean?" Lancer looked puzzled.

"What do I mean?" Troy repeated. "What I mean is that I can't understand how you can all be behaving as if nothing had happened! There was a battle, for godssakes!"

"I know damn well there was a battle, sweetheart!" Lancer said in a dangerous tone. "Time just flies when the action's on, but I do remember spending several hours at my cannon."

"Is that it?" Troy's eyes grew wide. "Is that it? Then it's even worse than I thought. You're not behaving as if nothing had happened 每 no, you're actually happy for it!"

Lancer's eyes flashed.

"And why wouldn't we be happy?" he challenged. "The Base is still standing, we're still alive, and we kicked the Union's ass big time! Isn't that reason enough?"

Troy's fork clattered on the table from his limp fingers.

"I just don't get it," he whispered. "Look at yourself! You've been fretting and moping all this time, being miserable, oh poor Lancer. Then there's a battle, and lo and behold you're like you owned the world! Was that what you needed to feel better 每 shooting and killing?"

"Troy!" Hal spat to his cousin who was staring across the table. Lancer looked like Troy had just backhanded him, face going white and eyes nearly black, then he slammed his fists on the table so that the cups jumped.

"Listen!" he hissed. "This is a military base involved in a war against Ziroshel Union. And you very astutely noticed that yesterday morning the Union attacked this base. What did you expect us to do? Sit here and wait until we're all killed, and Jainah is taken over once again, and the Union reclaims the clones 每 including your precious Sal? No fucking way! And since 'war' usually means somebody's going to get killed, then at least I'm doing my best to make sure it's some of them and not some of us!"

His voice broke and he turned quickly away, hugged his knees to his chest and buried his head in arms. Hal put a wary hand on his shoulder, unsure of what to do, but Troy's attention was already diverted by Salvador who suddenly looked like he was going to faint.

"Sal?" Troy inquired in alarm, and the blond shook his head weakly.

"You really hurt him," he said just audibly nodding towards Lancer whose breath was coming in harsh sobs, his shoulders shaking.

"You sure did!" Hal said angrily. "Wasn't that a nice way to thank a guy who was doing his best to keep us all safe here."

"Well excuse me if I'm not feeling completely fine and dandy after waking up in the middle of war!" Troy shot back. "I've never had anything to do with the military!"

"Oh you haven't? That's real news from someone who's been living in a military base for quite a while now!" Hal grunted. "Get real, Troy!"

"I'm no killer!" Lancer was shaking his head, voice thick and strangled. "I'm not!"

"No you're not." Hal's dark hand rubbed his back lightly. "You're just doing what you can to defend your friends and your home planet. There's nothing wrong with that, nothing to feel guilty for."

The accompanying black scowl silenced Troy who snapped his mouth shut and concentrated on breathing steadily. His mind was in turmoil but he gradually began to feel that Salvador was actually reaching out to soothe him. Their hands entwined together.

Sal was watching Lancer closely. After a few tense minutes the silver-blond pulled himself together, wiped angrily his eyes and grabbed his mug from the table.

"I'll go get some more," he mumbled and stood up.

"Let me," Hal offered but Lancer shook his head and granted the man a slightly shaky smile.

"I promise I won't get lost on the way, daddy," he said dryly and sauntered off.

As soon as he was a safe distance away, Hal turned to glare once more at his cousin who was staring in disbelief after the retreating figure.

"Right now I'd very much like to kick you, cousin," he said tightly. "For fuck's sake, how can you say anything so stupid?"

"So I'm stupid?" Troy countered, temper flaring again.

"Acting stupid, yes you are!" Hal made a tremendous effort not to shout and succeeded tolerably. "I can bloody well understand that you're both pretty badly shaken by that attack. So am I, but Lancer spoke the truth. This is a military base, kids. We're living with a bunch of rebels and there's a war going on. So you'd better just deal with it 每 or at least shut up instead of criticizing people because they're fighting this war and protecting us all, including you!"

"Jeez, aren't you knowledgeable now," Troy huffed. "So buddy-buddy with him all of a sudden..."

He felt Sal's hand on his forearm and took a deep breath, startled. Get a grip. It's happening again. I'm upset, Sal's upset, he also caught Lancer's burst of emotions and got even more upset, and now we're feeding each other...

He closed his eyes for a moment. Calm down. Calm down now. This is Hal you're speaking to. Your cousin, big brother and friend. He's right. And surely you're not sorry if he's buried the hatchet with Lancer?

"Maybe I'm just behaving sensibly at last?" Haldor suggested. "Look. I've been stupid, I can admit it, and I've understood a few things over the past few days. For one thing, I finally see that even if Lancer looks enough like that blue-haired man whore Pavel to be his brother, that's where the similarities end. For another, I guess that spending time in a Union prison did have some effect on me. You've never been directly involved with the Union, I have. So I have been aware of why the AD guys and fighter pilots and everybody else have those regular drills. They're not just for fun."

Troy swallowed thickly and his head sank lower.

"Besides, we've talked some, me and Lancer," Hal continued. "Okay, everybody's feeling real good because we won the battle, but for him there was something more to it, too. His... his lover is out there somewhere, fighting this war. Lancer is an AD gunner, he's used to being in battle together with the pilots, giving fire support. Now he's been left behind, and he's feeling helpless and damn afraid that he'll never see the guy again. He told me that during the battle he felt almost like they were together once more, that they're fighting the same war."

"Sounds horrible," Troy muttered.

"Sure it does, but I understand him!" Hal said savagely. "Hell, I felt so fucking helpless and useless just sitting in the shelter! That's why I was in such a goddamn hurry to get out of there. I wanted to be of use, to do something, anything to help. I'm not a military guy either but this is my war, too."

He caught a familiar figure in the corner of his eye and swallowed whatever he was going to say after that, just in time before Lancer reached the table and waved a plate with some bread rolls in front of Haldor's face.

"You were saying I don't eat enough?" he challenged. "Well, watch me while I stuff these down my throat!"

Hal raised his hands in surrender, happy to see that Lancer looked determined enough not to let the earlier outburst drag himself down any more.

"Fine, fine! Now just sit down and do it."

Lancer slid back to the sofa, picked up the first roll and sank his teeth into it. He was meticulously ignoring Sal and Troy without looking like it, but the cold shoulder was duly observed. Troy fidgeted with his food for a good while, every now and then throwing awkward glances at Lancer, and at last it was Salvador who spoke up first.

"Lancer, we're sorry," he said earnestly. "Forgive us for hurting you. We're just so upset. We know this is a military base, but it's been so peaceful here all the while. It's been so easy to think that the war is something far away, that it doesn't really touch us. It was such a shock when it suddenly was right upon us."

Lancer glanced at Salvador, then his eyes darted pointedly towards Troy whose lips pressed together.

"I don't remember you saying anything to hurt me, Sal," he said coolly. "So why should you apologize to me?"

Troy opened his mouth, ready for a heated retort, but Sal's fingers tightened almost painfully on his arm.

"Maybe it wasn't me speaking," the clone said, "but please listen anyway. I know you're familiar with the way Andr谷 and Rori can communicate with each other. We're a lot like that, me and Troy. Andr谷 says that we are a loop, amplifying each other's feelings, especially when we're somehow upset. So even if it was Troy who actually said those things, they were as much my thoughts as his, and it was wrong of us to say so. That's why I'm apologizing."

Haldor's eyes were boring through Troy who shifted nervously and nodded.

"I want to apologize too," he rasped. "I still can't understand this... euphoria... But what I said was really mean, really nasty. I'm sorry."

"Troy, let me tell you what I've learned since I first came to live with rebels," Lancer said quietly. "I've learned that trying to look at the bright side of everything is important, and thinking too much about the bad things and finding reasons not to be happy is downright dangerous. That's when you lose hope and stop even trying to achieve something. That's when you can't deal with this life any more. And we can't afford that!"

He blinked furiously to hold back tears that threatened to well up. "So we were in danger in the night before? Sure it was horrible. Sure we had to do things that I'd rather not do. But we worked together and we won! That's a damn good reason to be euphoric 每 that we and the base are still around, to go on with the rebellion and to welcome the guys back, whenever they get here!"

He gulped down the rest of his drink and stood briskly up, ponytail whisking.

"I'll go see if the MCs could find any use for me," he informed Hal. "See you later!"

Haldor waved a hand at the departing figure, then gave his cousin a wry glance.

"I think you'd do wisely to think hard about what he said, Troy. And you know what? I'm pretty sure that you'd both have it far easier to deal with this all if you had something to do."

"Ah 每 and now you're saying we're the useless ones?" Troy retorted acidly, but Hal just shook his head.

"Don't get so aggressive!" he said. "I didn't mean it like that, and I'm not attacking you personally. I know Sal's needed time and support to recover, and all that 每 but you're so much better by now, aren't you, Salvador? I think you'd both need something to occupy yourselves with, something new to think about."

Haldor stood up and smiled to the younger men. "So, how about finishing that breakfast and then coming with me to see if the MCs need extra pairs of hands to clear off all that debris?"

Salvador returned the smile, hand pressing firmly into Troy's. "We might. We'll call your comm when we're ready, so you can tell us whereabouts we can come, right?"

Troy looked at him, totally stunned, and Hal walked away with a wink. The blond clone nudged Troy's arm.

"Eat," he commanded. "Come on, Troy. What they said makes sense to me."

"But 每" Troy began, only to fall silent again when a slim fingertip touched his lips.

"We really have no reason to feel miserable," Salvador said. "Besides, Troy, I've been thinking about it recently. That I'd like to start doing something."

"Like what?" Troy asked. "Study?"

"Maybe," Sal nodded. "But not physics. Something 每 something real."

"Isn't physics real?" Troy's eyebrows jumped up but Salvador just smiled to him, eyes glittering under the blond bangs.

"Of course. But are you going to finish your physics degree?"

Troy opened his mouth, thought for a moment and closed it again in confusion.

"I don't know," he confessed. "Maybe. No. I'm not sure."

"There you see!" Salvador stuffed the rest of a bread roll into his mouth. "So, let's admit that Hal is right."

"And Lancer too," Troy said reluctantly. "Shit, the things I said to him..."

"Something you'll apologize for, properly this time." Sal held a spoon in front of Troy's mouth. "Come on now, hurry up. Eat. We're being expected outside."

Main Jainah Revnash Dorelion Others Gallery